Photos Of Ave...Some of These Are Rough

I have been wanting to post some photos of Avery during her last hours with us, but I have not had access to them because they are on our laptop. Many of these photos were taken by an absolutely gifted photographer named Jill Meyer. She volunteers her time to take photos for families who are losing a baby. Her nonprofit is called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. At this moment, the website has escaped me but you can google her info if you want. Her worked truly blessed us during our time to say goodbye to Avery. She captured moments that are so precious to both Shane and me. I am forever grateful for her gift.

As many of you remember, Avery's last couple of weeks were pretty rough. She had a lot of swelling and she really did not look like the baby we knew in the early weeks. No matter her appearance, she is ours and we love her forever. In these photos you will see our family smiling over Avery. In that moment, we were so happy to be holding her and spending real time together as a family. It may be odd for some to see us with smiles during times of such strife, but it was joyous in its own way. I hope you are able to look at these photos and remember how Avery touched YOU personally.

Love, Carissa

Oh How The Days Go By

I really can't begin to write anything about myself until I mention the most recent sweet babies who have lost their battle with CDH...Baby Jackson and Baby Ireland. Please keep their families in your thoughts and prayers as they begin to pick up the pieces.

I was catching up on Facebook this morning and I ran across a post written by an old friend. His son struggles with a medical condition and they have just recently found out that their options are far from optimal. He wrote, " This fallen world has no friends, but that’s where we find GOD. That’s where grace comes alive and hope resides." That is a tough thing to swallow. I have never been one to get too philosophical about why our lives are the way they are. We each have a story, hurts, pain, questions, joys, and struggles. They all differ, but they make us who we are. I challenge myself to find the grace and the hope during my times of monumental pain.

So, a had some crappy days last week. I knew it was coming. That's one of the hard parts of grief...it's sneaky and unpredictable. I often wonder, "When is my bad day coming? I haven't had one in awhile. I know it's coming and what will it bring?" Unfortunately, my bad day arrived on my wedding anniversary. That sucks. It was last Wednesday, August 26th. Six years of marriage and all I had to offer was a backwards attitude. Poor Shane. He walked in the door at 3:30 to me slamming things around. I'm pretty sure that was not what he was expecting. I managed to work through my temper tantrum and we made it out the door for dinner. It ended up being a good night. Over the next few days I was able to reflect on lots of things...and cry...and miss Avery. I am learning to be flexible in the emotional sense. It is not easy for me. Shane has helped me with this throughout our marriage. He is much more free spirited than I am. He models for me the art of flexibility and I love him for that. I think that it is an integral part of marriage...flexibility and compromise. For us, a constant work in progress.

Anyways, we had a good weekend. We put up a tree swing for Kaitlyn and enjoyed some lovely outside time. The weather has been really nice the past few days. Lately, I have had some times where I have thought of Ave and had more peace. Trust me, most of the time my thoughts of her are followed by fountains of tears. I went the cemetery yesterday and just sat with her. I cried a little but mostly is was just comforting to be there with her. We shared time and that's all I really want...time.

This weekend we head up to Fayetteville to celebrate Kaitlyn's sixth birthday! She is super excited to see her friends! I look forward to seeing my friends and hopefully having some time to relax. There may be a little painting to be done at the house, perhaps a cocktail to be had, and possibly some cake eating...I anticipate we will have a good time!

I am reminded every day that life goes on...with or without me. Some days I let it go on without me but today I choose to go on with it. Love to all of you...thanks for partnering with me as I walk this new path.

Carissa

P.S. It is my intention to begin tackling the countless thank you notes I have to write. I want to make special reference to all of you who donated to the Avery Mae Fund. We have been able to do some magnificent things with the money you all so generously donated! Please know that we are so thankful for your generosity! I have not forgotten...I am just simply behind.

Not A Bad Week

It's weird to to go from posting practically every minute to just a couple times a week. I look on the blog sometimes and I am amazed that it has been so long between posts.

Overall, I would say that the past few days have been pretty good. Last week was pretty busy as I hustled to get Kaitlyn ready for Kindergarten. She started on Wednesday and she did such a great job. I am so proud of her. Shane and I walked her in on the first day and from then on, she was on her own. I drop her off in the morning and pick her up in the afternoon and it is such a pleasure to see her smiling face run to the car. What a lovely way to start my days and enter my evenings!

So here I am on Monday morning...not sure what to do. I was at this place not too long ago. I finished my masters in December 2008...we had just found Ave was going to be sick, and I was not sure how to spend the coming months. During January and February, I just took it easy. I had been in school for three years, so I had a lot to catch up on. It was nice to have play dates and eat lunch with friends. So now, I am back at this place of not having much to do. So I am debating about whether or not it is time to start seriously looking for some kind of part-time work. I think it would be good for me to have some consistency to my schedule. We'll see how things go.

As I said before, the past week was pretty good. There were a couple tough moments. I find that I miss Ave the most when we are together as a family. It just feels like something is missing. We were sitting together eating spaghetti (Kaitlyn's favorite) and we were getting ready to have dessert. Shane had bought KK this ice cream cone thing that looked like a clown and we just looked at each other and thought, Ave should be here...she should be eating ice cream and laughing. In many ways, it was a beautiful and happy moment, but then again it was subtly laced with sadness and disappointment.

We watched Hannah Montana The Movie on Saturday night as a family. It is a really cute movie and such sweet peace to hang out together on the couch. Prior to Avery's arrival, we did not get a chance to do as many family activities. Shane's job required him to work a lot of nights and it was not common for us to spend as much time together. In fact, since May, we have spent more time together than we have in years...and I love that. So really, it is because of Avery that we are able to bond as a family. The ironic part of all of that is that she is not here to be a part of it. That truly is one of the most painful parts of losing her.

So, we miss her often and think of her regularly. We move through each day with caution and perhaps some hesitation, but we move. I will continue to learn how to live each day without Avery and I will cling tightly to the comfort of my friends and family. I love you all so dearly and am so grateful for you precious people!!!

Carissa

Rough Day

I'm having a kinda rough day today. There really is nothing in particular that has happened, I'm just down. Shane, Kaitlyn, and I had a good family morning and then worked in the yard, but I am just not feeling very happy. I guess this is to be expected. I just really don't like feeling like this.

I do have to tell you though, that Shane is the best daddy ever. He brought home this HUGE box for Kaitlyn to play with. He spent the morning making it into a house. This included cutting out windows and a door. They were so sweet together. Watching them color and decorate it together was priceless...Kaitlyn loves that man so much. It was so cute. What simple pleasures.

By the way, we are almost officially out of the church house. I still have a few things to get out and I need to clean, but we are pretty much moved. Maybe that has something to do with my mood. Moving is tough, and although I knew we could not stay at the church house forever, it is still really hard to leave. I think that Shane feels differently. For him, it is a lot of painful reminders. For me, it is a connection to Avery. It is the house that I spent all my time in while she was alive. I'm crying as I write this. It is the last thing for me to let go of that has to do with her. My body is all back to normal, we don't really go to the hospital anymore, the house where I was pregnant with her is empty, and now the house is gone. It's like I have now cemented moving on. The emotions are still going crazy, but the physical connections to her are starting to fade. Oh so hard.

This is all part of the process and moving on is important, but it's really hard. Please keep us all in your prayers.

Carissa

Too Much For One Post

Over the past week, I have tried to get on here and post some of the many thoughts running around in my head. For whatever reason, I could not find time to just sit. I find that over the past few months it is good for me to sometimes just sit. So here I sit not knowing how to organize all the things I want to say. So, I'll just let them flood out...I guess I'll give some props to Freud and we'll call it free association...

I guess the first thing that comes to mind is that Avery has been gone for about a month. She has been gone about half the time that she was here...that is crazy! Do I miss her? Yes, of course. Regrets? No. Am I learning how to live without her? SLOWLY, but yes. Will I ever forget all of this? No. Will I move on? Yes, in a new sort of way. I was thinking in the car the other day about how to explain what I am going through right now and this came to mind. It is like your windshield being hit in the center with a HUGE rock...and then, from that initial break there comes numerous cracks. So, Avery's death is my initial break and well, there is a long list of cracks...being without a place to call home, out of routine, no job, crazy emotions, missing Kaitlyn, missing my friends and family, moving from Fayetteville, paperwork, bills, and so on...it could go on but I'll spare you :) So I am wondering if I have even been able to deal with Avery's death yet? It feels like I am just dealing with all the cracks and slowly moving my way towards the break. I wonder what is going to happen when I reach the break? I am reading this and it sounds a little cheesy...sorry.

So both Shane and I are moving through each day with hesitation at times, but with strength. I have to say that many mornings I wake up and say to myself, "How am I going to make it through the day?" Obviously, I always make it through the day in a literal sense, but on a deeper level, it is a challenge to be emotionally available for the things that need to be accomplished. Whether it's Kaitlyn's needs or phone calls, there is the underlying feeling of absolute defeat. Some days I have to push myself to enjoy the day whereas prior to Avery's diagnosis, I would wake up most days refreshed and ready to rock. So this is where the counselor in me starts to have a therapy session with myself. This is what I would say to clients so this is what I say to myself...What would happen if I stopped pushing to enjoy the day? What would it be like to just feel sad, defeated, unproductive? What am I afraid of? What's the worst that could happen? So some days, I think about this stuff and I realize that it is ok to be sad and cry. It is ok to feel powerless. It is ok to not be the strong woman. Most likely, the worst that can happen is that my list of crap to do waits until the next day, and that's ok. So I am working on being sad when I need too.

That was deep. So back to the surface...this past weekend we enjoyed absolutely fabulous time with some of my family in Tulsa, OK. It was just what we needed...pool, grilling, and sitting (and napping). I feel refreshed. Over the past few days I have noticed that I have thought about Avery less...not zero, but less. I have been doing some of the things that I enjoy and I have truthfully enjoyed them. I will continue to work through the "cracks" and "the break" and will continue to share my process with you. I can't really explain why I do this, but I guess it is my hope that someone else can benefit in some way from my experience.

Ok, so I am leaving myself a reminder that I want to tell you about our recent trip to ACH and the heart unit. I find that if I don't write things down, I forget...just ask Shane...it's driving him nuts.

Carissa

Still Here

I have been super busy the past week or so. I have had lots of thoughts brewing in my head. When I get a moment to sit quietly and update you all on everything, I will. Thanks to all who have continued to give in precious ways. We are continuously reminded of the generosity of dear friends. I cling tightly to the constant support. I truly believe that it is that support that has guided both Shane and me through the past few months. We are forever grateful!

It's been a month since Ave's death...love you baby girl!!

Carissa

Don't Know What to Say

The past few days have been such a wave of emotions that I am not even really sure where I am at during this moment. I can't even really say that there have been good days and bad days...it's more like good seconds and bad seconds...things change so quickly. I am looking forward to the days when I can put on mascara with pride in knowing it won't be running down my face at some point during the day. I think at this point, Shane and I are both totally emotionally exhausted. We have had to make so many serious decisions over the past three months and we are just totally wiped out. I swear, if one more thing drops out of the sky onto my plate, I might have a nervous breakdown. At this point, I am so paranoid that Kaitlyn is going to get the swine flu. I mean it would just figure?!?!

So just to update...after much discussion...we have decided to stay at Shane's moms house for a little while or at least until our house sells. She has generously offered her house to us. She is going to stay with some friends so that we can have some privacy. The house is in Benton which is about 20 miles southeast of Little Rock. We looked into trying to rent something in Conway, but the bottom line is, it would be just too much money to pay our mortgage and rent something. It's just not worth it. Sooo, this seems to be the best option. Although we are of course grateful for the opportunity to stay at her house, we are both craving our own sense of "home". We will get there...

I am working on getting Kaitlyn enrolled in school and then I will begin to look for some kind of part-time work...not sure what, but I'll figure it out. My mood has been pretty erratic over the past couple days. I have been running in the mornings and that really seems to help keep me sane. I about had a stroke this morning it was so hot. I was thinking of starting this P90X business...we''ll see. All in all, I'm still above water. Honestly right now, I am not sure I have had a chance to work through Avery's death because I have been so distracted by all the emotions and aftermath surrounding her sickness and death. I'll get there...again, time. Time is so relative...I wish someone could just tell me that on blank date, I will feel better. Oh well, Shane and I just take it one day at a time...one foot in front of the other. Love to all!!!

Carissa