Not A Bad Week

It's weird to to go from posting practically every minute to just a couple times a week. I look on the blog sometimes and I am amazed that it has been so long between posts.

Overall, I would say that the past few days have been pretty good. Last week was pretty busy as I hustled to get Kaitlyn ready for Kindergarten. She started on Wednesday and she did such a great job. I am so proud of her. Shane and I walked her in on the first day and from then on, she was on her own. I drop her off in the morning and pick her up in the afternoon and it is such a pleasure to see her smiling face run to the car. What a lovely way to start my days and enter my evenings!

So here I am on Monday morning...not sure what to do. I was at this place not too long ago. I finished my masters in December 2008...we had just found Ave was going to be sick, and I was not sure how to spend the coming months. During January and February, I just took it easy. I had been in school for three years, so I had a lot to catch up on. It was nice to have play dates and eat lunch with friends. So now, I am back at this place of not having much to do. So I am debating about whether or not it is time to start seriously looking for some kind of part-time work. I think it would be good for me to have some consistency to my schedule. We'll see how things go.

As I said before, the past week was pretty good. There were a couple tough moments. I find that I miss Ave the most when we are together as a family. It just feels like something is missing. We were sitting together eating spaghetti (Kaitlyn's favorite) and we were getting ready to have dessert. Shane had bought KK this ice cream cone thing that looked like a clown and we just looked at each other and thought, Ave should be here...she should be eating ice cream and laughing. In many ways, it was a beautiful and happy moment, but then again it was subtly laced with sadness and disappointment.

We watched Hannah Montana The Movie on Saturday night as a family. It is a really cute movie and such sweet peace to hang out together on the couch. Prior to Avery's arrival, we did not get a chance to do as many family activities. Shane's job required him to work a lot of nights and it was not common for us to spend as much time together. In fact, since May, we have spent more time together than we have in years...and I love that. So really, it is because of Avery that we are able to bond as a family. The ironic part of all of that is that she is not here to be a part of it. That truly is one of the most painful parts of losing her.

So, we miss her often and think of her regularly. We move through each day with caution and perhaps some hesitation, but we move. I will continue to learn how to live each day without Avery and I will cling tightly to the comfort of my friends and family. I love you all so dearly and am so grateful for you precious people!!!



  1. i remember feeling the need (still have it) to make new memories with Travis and Mitch, to feel more complete. Not that that will ever happen, and maybe that's part of learning how to LONG for God in this world? but then in those new memories..like a vacation, or date night, whatever it was, it always seems that it's because we lost her that we are even able to do those things...Would we have been able to take a family vacation with a 7 month old and travis this last march? Would we have been able to afford that new piece of furniture? it's so bittersweet, and somewhat morbid to think this way...but it's real and it's for now.

    still here.

  2. You know that saying, "some people touch you for a moment, some of a day, some for a lifetime." It sounds like even though Avery was only physically 'with you' for a short time, she is 'with you' for a lifetime. What a gift that little soul gave your family. I believe that she is up in heaven laughing at that clown - right along with you. She is joyous at seeing her family snuggle on the couch. I cling to the belief that it is beyond any understanding that we could even imagine that she was born with her condition and taken too early. Some day, we will all have that 'ah-ha!' moment. . . . .

    Friend in Pittsburgh

  3. Hey girl, so good to see an update from you. You, Shane, Kaitlyn, and Avery are still in my thoughts and prayers all the time. So glad Kindergarten is going well for Kaitlyn. We'll talk soon!

  4. Still thinking of you and praying for you.

  5. Well, I can tell you that your family is one of the strongest families I have worked with! I can also tell you that the strength you have as a family is what will continue to pul you through these trying times. Carissa...you and Shane are awesome parents and how lucky you are to have been blessed with such a beautiful daughter(Kait) and an even more beautiful angel(Avery)!!!!! Still prayin for you guys!

  6. It has been awhile since I have commented on your posts. I want you to know that time has not erased my thoughts for your family. I still remember you in my prayers. I still follow your blog and will continue to do so. Once I got going with your family, I just could not stop. Your little Avery, the precious little Angel, touched me in ways I will never be able to explain. Thoughts and prayers for peace to continue to dwell in your hearts will forever be what I will offer to your family. I KNOW you will see your baby again and get to enjoy an eternal association where illness will never separate you again. My best to you all always. Goldie McGarrah

  7. Carissa-sending you prayers and love every day... Let me know when you're ready to take that step and the girls will help you network in LR. Love you and hope to see you soon... Holli

  8. We think about you guys often! Our prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. This is something no parent should ever have to experience and I'm so sorry for that. I'm glad you still post as I like to how you are doing. I'm very happy to see that the first day of Kindergarten went fantastic! That must have made you feel great!

  9. i just cried so hard reading your post. I to know the pain you are going through. It's so unfair. I wish i could just hold my little baby boy so bad and be his mommy....i'm sorry that you are suffering the loss of a child as well. I just said a little prayer for yall. God bless.....

    love candice

  10. We just wanted you,Shane, and Kaitlyn to know that you are always in our thoughts and prayers!!! Love, The Givens

  11. I love that even in her absence, you've been able to grow together as a family. You are all truly remarkable.

    Much love.