Don't Know What to Say

The past few days have been such a wave of emotions that I am not even really sure where I am at during this moment. I can't even really say that there have been good days and bad days...it's more like good seconds and bad seconds...things change so quickly. I am looking forward to the days when I can put on mascara with pride in knowing it won't be running down my face at some point during the day. I think at this point, Shane and I are both totally emotionally exhausted. We have had to make so many serious decisions over the past three months and we are just totally wiped out. I swear, if one more thing drops out of the sky onto my plate, I might have a nervous breakdown. At this point, I am so paranoid that Kaitlyn is going to get the swine flu. I mean it would just figure?!?!

So just to update...after much discussion...we have decided to stay at Shane's moms house for a little while or at least until our house sells. She has generously offered her house to us. She is going to stay with some friends so that we can have some privacy. The house is in Benton which is about 20 miles southeast of Little Rock. We looked into trying to rent something in Conway, but the bottom line is, it would be just too much money to pay our mortgage and rent something. It's just not worth it. Sooo, this seems to be the best option. Although we are of course grateful for the opportunity to stay at her house, we are both craving our own sense of "home". We will get there...

I am working on getting Kaitlyn enrolled in school and then I will begin to look for some kind of part-time work...not sure what, but I'll figure it out. My mood has been pretty erratic over the past couple days. I have been running in the mornings and that really seems to help keep me sane. I about had a stroke this morning it was so hot. I was thinking of starting this P90X business...we''ll see. All in all, I'm still above water. Honestly right now, I am not sure I have had a chance to work through Avery's death because I have been so distracted by all the emotions and aftermath surrounding her sickness and death. I'll get there...again, time. Time is so relative...I wish someone could just tell me that on blank date, I will feel better. Oh well, Shane and I just take it one day at a time...one foot in front of the other. Love to all!!!



  1. You will get there. I never thought there would be a day that I could talk about Kasey with out crying or trying not to cry. Going to bed was a challenge too, I would think of him and cry. I cried myself to sleep for months. With time it will come... hugs

  2. I am still taking it second by second. I wish for both of us that things could have been different, but we will get thru it. I remember the first few days & weeks following Kaden's death, and I was emotionally exhausted as well. When the dust settled, I almost missed having the distractions of all the "things" that had or needed to be done. I wish I could say that things are getting easier, but there have been some days that are just down-right awful. But there are others that I am so greatful to be Kaden's Mommy and I know that he had a purpose. I think about you all and know how hard it is to go thru (especially with a 6 year old (Logan is 6, too). Just know you are not alone in your feelings or pain=)

  3. Sending you many hugs and prayers that each day will continue to get a little better and bring you some peace with the situation. I am praying that your house will sell and that you find your "home" sooner than later. Hang in there.

  4. I believe Steven Curtis Chapman or his wife said this quote:
    "You know that you are healing when the tears stain your eyes instead of running down your cheek."

  5. I wish I had something to say that could make you feel better. What a hard thing you are going though. I hope and pray that things will work out with your house selling, finding a new home, Kaitlyn's school, you finding a job, etc. Your family is so wonderful and deserving of so many things. You still remain in my prayers.

  6. Alejandro Salas Tamaulipas, MexicoAugust 04, 2009

    Dear Carissa, The desire of my heart is in my prayers that you find God's peace.

    I am praying for you and your family, God bless.

    Tamaulipas, México

  7. Always thinking about you, hoping you're doing alright. I know it's such a terrible time right now, but hopefully things will begin to slow down, so that you can have some breathing room.

  8. I've been praying for you. A lot.

    Sometimes I have to remind myself, BREATHE IN... BREATHE OUT. Again and again. Forget the one foot thing. I have to go more basic than that.

  9. I know exactly how you feel, when you talk about the ups and downs. I almost felt as though I should be committed at times I was so emotionally unbalanced, laughing with friends at one moment and crying at the next. People were already wierd around me, and I felt like I was just making it wierder although it was nothing they said or did (because lord knows we have to brush off some things), it was just that I was not sure how to be. Loosing a child is never anything you are prepared to do, so therefore I think that you do not prepare your emotions either.

    I was the same way, keeping myself busy doing things, friends coming over, working out, taking a vacation, then when the friends were gone, the vacation was over, and the flowers all dried up I was not sure what to do with myself. Just take it minute by minute and do not feel guilty to cry in front of others, or laugh....this is what keeps us sane.

    I am so sorry we have to share this bond, but I am glad that although I have never met you, I can share your story of courage and strength with others and know that our little girls are at peace with one another and no longer hurting.

    With prayers and Love,
    The Smith Family, Jaime, David, Reggan, and ^Ryann^ http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ryannsmith

    P.S. My BF loves the P90X.....

  10. people would say "just a day at a time" and i would laugh..literally..not to offend but just with the realization that THAT was too much to look forward with. it HAD to be second by second. Just wrapping my head around what we witnessed and now had to carry...our minds just can't grasp it all at once. So the tears were almost a way to grasp it in tiny moments. We shared a lot this weekend with my brother in law and family. It was awesome to retell her story, her life and her death. And see them ask and ask and ask. God is still working in the seconds....praying He is revealing all kinds of glory and grace to you in your seconds.

    still here.

  11. It breaks my heart to not only read your blogs and know what you and your family have gone through, but to also read these comments and hear just how many people have had to go through such a tragedy.... I can't honestly say that i know how you feel, or that i can even begin to understand how you feel. With that being said, the only thing that i can say to you at this point is to never feel sorry for how you are dealing with this situation. Don't worry about your mascara if you feel like you need to cry.
    There is no right or wrong that you can do right now. Its all about what you need to do to not only grieve for the loss of your baby girl, but to celebrate the life of your little angel. Avery touched many lives, mine included. I never witnessed her struggles in person, only through the blog and pictures and word of mouth. But she touched my heart so much that there still has not been a day that has gone by that i have not thought of her. The struggles that you and your family are facing now will work themselves out, one by one, day by day. And although that is no consolation to you now, Just know that you have many thoughts and prayers directed your way everyday to help you get through those seconds, one by one, until the day comes when the seconds turn back into days, the stresses have decreased, and you will be able to look back at the journey that your family has taken and take pride in the strength that you all showed throughout this ordeal, and smile, not a forced smile, for your gaurdian angel. You and Shane have got to be one of the strongest couples I have ever seen. You guys are great people, and wonderful parents. Your family bond is something to be admired. I have had the pleasure of meeting KK, and I must say, You guys did everything right! She is a hoot! My heart breaks for you all in all of the struggles that you are facing right now, But in my heart I also know that in time, you all are gonna be just fine!

    Hannah Ray
    Ps Let us know if you start the P90X. I have thought about it myself.

  12. It's going to take time to heal, you just have to take thing one day at a time, one hour at a time, minute to minute then things will start to softand around the edges and not be so raw and painful..I am praying for you and your hearts for peace and calm.

  13. Nicole from Rosemead, CAAugust 05, 2009

    Hi Carissa,
    Its Nicole again. I sent you a card and hope you got it. I hope you are feeling better this second. I wish I could give your words of encouragement or do something to make the pain go away. I just can't. I wake up every morning so depressed and hoping my Samie will be okay for the day. Hoping she will not have any seizures, hoping she will be able to sit, or walk. I know our situations are different but in one aspect its the same. Because my daughter is sick and I wonder if its best that GOD took her away so she will not feel the pain of living a life with so many disabilities. Then I think about the pain you guys are going through and it breaks my heart. Don't you wish your life was normal and happy like before? I hope I am making sense. I am as lost as you guys are..... I know what you mean, what else is going to happen? I feel the same way. I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and had the baby removed. The baby was 9 weeks and didn't have a heart beat and I thought, what other bad things are going to happen. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. You can cry as much as you want. Don't you feel better afterwards after sobbing/weeping? Please continue to post and share your life with all of us.

  14. I think the staying busy thing is our brain's way of protecting us for the nervous breakdowns! I understand what you mean about wanting the time line...it would feel so much better just to know what to expect. I don't have anything special to say about how to fix it, but it sounds like you are doing your best. Love you (as always) muffin.

  15. I wish I could reach through this computer and give you and your family a genuine hug. It wouldn't change things, but at least in my mind I would know that you know there are so many of us out here that care about you. A few of my coworkers and I follow your story and talk of you often. We all pray for your healing.

  16. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and your family. And to pass on a great stress reliever: take a roll of toilet paper and just throw it against the wall whenever you are angry or life gets to be too much to handle. You don't have to worry about anything breaking! Just throw it as hard as you can. It really does make you feel better!

  17. Many prayers still being said for all of you.

    God Bless,
    Robin Gaspard Cosenza

  18. Still thinking of you all the time. Much love.

  19. Thoughts and prayers for you each day, all day. I wish that there was sonmething that I could say to ease your pain but there is simply not. You are such an amazing family with such strength and endurance. Not sure that I am that strong so I admire you both so much. Hopefully things will get better minute by minute. Hugs.

    Love DeLynn

  20. Mommy_Of_YaDaAugust 07, 2009

    Still missing Avery from MD. Still thinking and praying for you as well.

    Thanks for sharing.

  21. Lean to God for comfort. We will continue to pray for you and your family.

  22. Three years later and I am still taking it one day at a time. Life will never be the same but you will find a new normal and happiness will come again. You now have a beautiful Angel watching over you. If you ever need support please don't hesitate to reach out. I promise you, there is life after the death of your child. It's just not the same kind of life.

    I am sorry to read of Avery's passing. I am just now catching up with blogs. I will be praying for you and your family. I know big sister will need many prayers as well. My oldest son still has a hard time with it.

  23. carissa,
    it's casey brown, from phbc and i'm the teacher at ach. i have a great idea for a part time job for you at a SPA! if you are interested, email me at caseymbrown @ hotmail.com and I will fill you in. Still loving you guys and praying for you all. Tell Kaitlin the Silly Squirrels teacher says HI!