Oh How The Days Go By

I really can't begin to write anything about myself until I mention the most recent sweet babies who have lost their battle with CDH...Baby Jackson and Baby Ireland. Please keep their families in your thoughts and prayers as they begin to pick up the pieces.

I was catching up on Facebook this morning and I ran across a post written by an old friend. His son struggles with a medical condition and they have just recently found out that their options are far from optimal. He wrote, " This fallen world has no friends, but that’s where we find GOD. That’s where grace comes alive and hope resides." That is a tough thing to swallow. I have never been one to get too philosophical about why our lives are the way they are. We each have a story, hurts, pain, questions, joys, and struggles. They all differ, but they make us who we are. I challenge myself to find the grace and the hope during my times of monumental pain.

So, a had some crappy days last week. I knew it was coming. That's one of the hard parts of grief...it's sneaky and unpredictable. I often wonder, "When is my bad day coming? I haven't had one in awhile. I know it's coming and what will it bring?" Unfortunately, my bad day arrived on my wedding anniversary. That sucks. It was last Wednesday, August 26th. Six years of marriage and all I had to offer was a backwards attitude. Poor Shane. He walked in the door at 3:30 to me slamming things around. I'm pretty sure that was not what he was expecting. I managed to work through my temper tantrum and we made it out the door for dinner. It ended up being a good night. Over the next few days I was able to reflect on lots of things...and cry...and miss Avery. I am learning to be flexible in the emotional sense. It is not easy for me. Shane has helped me with this throughout our marriage. He is much more free spirited than I am. He models for me the art of flexibility and I love him for that. I think that it is an integral part of marriage...flexibility and compromise. For us, a constant work in progress.

Anyways, we had a good weekend. We put up a tree swing for Kaitlyn and enjoyed some lovely outside time. The weather has been really nice the past few days. Lately, I have had some times where I have thought of Ave and had more peace. Trust me, most of the time my thoughts of her are followed by fountains of tears. I went the cemetery yesterday and just sat with her. I cried a little but mostly is was just comforting to be there with her. We shared time and that's all I really want...time.

This weekend we head up to Fayetteville to celebrate Kaitlyn's sixth birthday! She is super excited to see her friends! I look forward to seeing my friends and hopefully having some time to relax. There may be a little painting to be done at the house, perhaps a cocktail to be had, and possibly some cake eating...I anticipate we will have a good time!

I am reminded every day that life goes on...with or without me. Some days I let it go on without me but today I choose to go on with it. Love to all of you...thanks for partnering with me as I walk this new path.

Carissa

P.S. It is my intention to begin tackling the countless thank you notes I have to write. I want to make special reference to all of you who donated to the Avery Mae Fund. We have been able to do some magnificent things with the money you all so generously donated! Please know that we are so thankful for your generosity! I have not forgotten...I am just simply behind.