Over the past week, I have tried to get on here and post some of the many thoughts running around in my head. For whatever reason, I could not find time to just sit. I find that over the past few months it is good for me to sometimes just sit. So here I sit not knowing how to organize all the things I want to say. So, I'll just let them flood out...I guess I'll give some props to Freud and we'll call it free association...
I guess the first thing that comes to mind is that Avery has been gone for about a month. She has been gone about half the time that she was here...that is crazy! Do I miss her? Yes, of course. Regrets? No. Am I learning how to live without her? SLOWLY, but yes. Will I ever forget all of this? No. Will I move on? Yes, in a new sort of way. I was thinking in the car the other day about how to explain what I am going through right now and this came to mind. It is like your windshield being hit in the center with a HUGE rock...and then, from that initial break there comes numerous cracks. So, Avery's death is my initial break and well, there is a long list of cracks...being without a place to call home, out of routine, no job, crazy emotions, missing Kaitlyn, missing my friends and family, moving from Fayetteville, paperwork, bills, and so on...it could go on but I'll spare you :) So I am wondering if I have even been able to deal with Avery's death yet? It feels like I am just dealing with all the cracks and slowly moving my way towards the break. I wonder what is going to happen when I reach the break? I am reading this and it sounds a little cheesy...sorry.
So both Shane and I are moving through each day with hesitation at times, but with strength. I have to say that many mornings I wake up and say to myself, "How am I going to make it through the day?" Obviously, I always make it through the day in a literal sense, but on a deeper level, it is a challenge to be emotionally available for the things that need to be accomplished. Whether it's Kaitlyn's needs or phone calls, there is the underlying feeling of absolute defeat. Some days I have to push myself to enjoy the day whereas prior to Avery's diagnosis, I would wake up most days refreshed and ready to rock. So this is where the counselor in me starts to have a therapy session with myself. This is what I would say to clients so this is what I say to myself...What would happen if I stopped pushing to enjoy the day? What would it be like to just feel sad, defeated, unproductive? What am I afraid of? What's the worst that could happen? So some days, I think about this stuff and I realize that it is ok to be sad and cry. It is ok to feel powerless. It is ok to not be the strong woman. Most likely, the worst that can happen is that my list of crap to do waits until the next day, and that's ok. So I am working on being sad when I need too.
That was deep. So back to the surface...this past weekend we enjoyed absolutely fabulous time with some of my family in Tulsa, OK. It was just what we needed...pool, grilling, and sitting (and napping). I feel refreshed. Over the past few days I have noticed that I have thought about Avery less...not zero, but less. I have been doing some of the things that I enjoy and I have truthfully enjoyed them. I will continue to work through the "cracks" and "the break" and will continue to share my process with you. I can't really explain why I do this, but I guess it is my hope that someone else can benefit in some way from my experience.
Ok, so I am leaving myself a reminder that I want to tell you about our recent trip to ACH and the heart unit. I find that if I don't write things down, I forget...just ask Shane...it's driving him nuts.
Carissa
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God will uses your story and wonderful analogy.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) you are healing-do what you need. We all deal differently!
ReplyDeleteI am still praying for continued healing and strength for your beautiful family. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDelete"Footprints In The Sand" He will carry you when you can no longer walk. God is always with you. You both are amazing people. What an inspiration you are to others. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteDeLynn
Still here checking on you all the time and thinking about you daily. Thanks for sharing and trying to help the rest of us get a tiny bit of understanding. Love ya!
ReplyDeletethinking of you and your family...
ReplyDeleteSometimes God gives us the cracks because if all we had was the break, we would fall apart. Dealing with the cracks is his way of carrying us through the break. I know what you mean about the counselor in you having sessions with yourself. I do the same. Thinking about ya'll often. Glad you got to relax some. Hope Kaitlyn enjoys Kinder. Give her a hug for us.
ReplyDeleteMuch Love to all, Danny, Angela, Jake and Sarah
How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, but what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless your baby Avery and God Bless your family.
just tripped across your blog from the mooney's. what a beautiful time of sharing at avery's funeral. you are in my prayers. i've never lost a child, or suffered that kind of grief, but have recently suffered some tough times (they pale in comparison) but have found that it's okay to be gritty and crunchy at times. and i've also found that i don't feel like that all the time, even though the situation is not resolved.
ReplyDeleteall this to say that it's okay to sit. to grieve. to feel. and while there's not much that i can say to ease the pain, just know that you are being lifted up before our heavenly Father. you are loved.
oh, and ps
that was not cheesy at all. i thought it was a beautiful word picture of your journey.
When the time is right and you are ready, you are going to be an amazing therapist and help people with their cracks with a special sensitivity and deep compassion. I admire you for taking this time to just "be" and for your gut-level honesty while you go through this. You inspire me because you are real - and real is not always pretty. And, that's okay. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
ReplyDeletei can relate to what u are feeling because i lost my son on june 3rd of 09 all i can say to u is slowly u will be able to move i havent of course but spending time with family and takin lil trips helps alot im here for you whenever u want to talk you and i are on the same page
ReplyDeletemy son was born on may as well on may 25th your lil girl and my son arent so far apart
ReplyDeleteNothing you said was cheesy. You are incredible and dealing with so much. I think your honesty is raw and beautiful...sending loving thoughts and prayers your way..Chanda
ReplyDelete