A Little More Normal

I guess my overall thougt about this week was that I had a somewhat more normal schedule. Shane was back at work, Kaitlyn was up early ready to go, and I think I actually went to Walmart this week. It was more similar to my routine. I got a lot done and was also able to spend some time with friends.

In the same way that I was freaking out about having too much to do, I am a little anxious about what will happen when I have nothing to do. I do not sit still very well and I tend to get bored quickly. It is more my style to have a full day so that being said, I'm not sure where that leaves me. We are still in the middle of trying to figure out where we are going to live and until that is more clear, I am not sure how I am going to fill my time. I am hesitant to jump right into work in the counseling field because I think I need some time to work through all that has happened. I have been thinking about looking for some part-time work but I'm just not sure. Kaitlyn will start school in a couple of weeks and that will leave me with empty days. I am trying to be patient and just see where things go, but that too is very difficult for me.

Shane and I will keep pushing forward and trust that in time our lives will settle. There is no book on how to handle these situations in life. We are to some extent flying blind...just hoping that we are moving in the right direction.



  1. You are doing just what you need to be doing honey (and it sounds like you're doing it well). Your heart and gut will tell you what's right. You are a brave, strong, smart and resilient woman - rely on that and continue to pray. My heart believes that He is holding you close. I am here when you need me.
    I love you.

  2. hey you. being in the field of work you are in, you probably already know this. *i knew a LITTLE of it, too. but when it's you, it's one of those "oh, this is what they mean" moments...but I vividly remember (and am still in the midst) the feeling that my BODY also had to grieve. It's a very physical thing. It's interesting how the body goes thru a loss in the same ways...and having just had a baby girl, i realized my body was experiencing this sort of...empty feeling. I would stay up later with the feeling of "there's something i am missing, or forgot to do..." and then the "oh", knowing that my body was preparing me to take care of another little life..and when i didn't have that to do, the anxiousness would come. So the midnight wide eyed time went on. It's been almost 10 months and i'm just now learning how to get to sleep by 1130 without feeling i forgot something. A few friends of the same loss shared that it took them about a year, too.

    still here...

    think about you all the time. i spend lots of time sharing with God about your avery.


  3. Wow, I am glad to hear you are somewhat in a routine with Kaitlyn and trying to heal. Everything you have said is right, it will all take time to heal. I agree with you not jumping back into work. Maybe when Kaitlyn goes to school you could go do some volunteer work somewhere to help fill your days? I don't know if some sort of volunteer work with babies would be appropriate for you at this point (that would be up to you), but maybe something with older children or at a school - maybe even Kaitlyn's school? I don't know you or your family, but just trying to help you think of ways to pass the time meaningfully...

    I am praying for all of you and your family through this time. Take care.


  4. No words, just want you to know that we continue to think of you and baby Avery.

  5. I still think of you and Avery all the time. I know how busy you like to be so I'll be praying about that as well. Love you, friend.

  6. Your family remains in my prayers. You could always ask to volunteer at Kaitlyn's school in the mornings or afternoons. I am sure she would enjoy seeing her mom too. Much love to you, Tracy.

  7. Just joining your story and my heart has once again been stolen by another precious life...a precious story.

    sister in Christ

  8. AnonymousJuly 31, 2009

    Still keeping you all in our thoughts and prayers daily. I am glad to here that things are 'a little more normal' for you, although it is obviously a completely new 'normal'. Good luck with finding a new home and Kaitlyn starting school. I think about her alot with all the changes that a child her age doesnt understand and I hope and pray that all goes well with her and school. Every day is a new day and brings new joy as well as new challenges. God Bless you all!!

    Hannah Ray

  9. Still checking in on you guys regularly. So glad to hear you are able to feel somewhat of a normal routine this week. I am the same way about needing that comfort of schedule and routine. Even though normal is not what normal used to be, it is still nice to try to feel that way again. I am not sure what kind of counseling you are interested in doing but we have openings for genetic counseling at Freeway. This may be more than you could handle so soon after Avery but it may also be somewhat healing. Part-time may be an option as well. If you are interested at all you can call me (517-1977) or LaJuana. I was not sure if you guys were still in LR or Fayetteville. Either way it could possibly still be an option. Hope Kaitlyn is getting excited about school. If you need anyting please let us know. Truly, Amanda (ultrasound)

  10. I think and pray about you daily. I will be praying for you to have guidance. I know that you are a very strong person and you will make the right decisions in whatever you choose. Don't rush, Give yourself time to Heal.I think Kaitlyn is gonna do great in school,She has a wonderful personality!Just know that you have lots of people praying and supporting you guys!!! Love and Many Many Prayers, The Givens

  11. Nicole from Rosemead, CAAugust 01, 2009

    Hi Carissa,
    Where are you guys living now? I wanted to send you some warm wishes.

    I hope you can email me your home address. My email address is huynhnicole@hotmail.com

    Blessing to you guys always!!

  12. I am still remembering your family on a daily basis and continue to offer prayers for God's continued blessings in the way you need them at this time. My best to you. Goldie McGarrah

  13. I came across your blog by way of Matt and Ginny Mooney. My name is Kristi, and my husband and I just lost our son Grayson. We live just outside of Little Rock. We lost our daughter Kinsey last year.
    I know I don't know what you are going through...but I am walking down a similar road. Our blog tells our story.
    I just wanted to say that if you want to talk, or email (I know its hard to talk right now)...I'm here.

  14. I was just reading most of your blog. I began about an hour ago and am now about to head to bed. Your story has broke my heart. You all were there while we were over July 4th, but we chose to stay in our room during that week stay. While we were there with Leighton for 7 months we met so many wonderful families. I really wish I would have gotten to talk with you all more. Just remember you are in our prayers.

  15. i feel what you are going through because my baby boy passed away june 3,09 be strong and dont forget you have your daughter and hubby to live for of course you will always have a hole in your heart

  16. Praying for you and your family always!

  17. Hey guys. I started following your blog just a few weeks ago. I am a friend of Stephanie Studdard. I know you guys are going through so much right now. I wanted to let you know of a book that might help you deal with all of this craziness. It is called Safe in the Arms of God: Truth of Heaven about the Death of a Child by John MacArthur. It is an amazing book that reminds us that while your sweet angel was with you only a short time, she is safe in the arms of the Lord God amighty and that you will be reunited with her some day soon. We will continue to pray for your family.

  18. Your family is in my prayers.
    God's blessings today and always, Sarah :>

  19. Betsy KosterAugust 04, 2009

    Carissa- I have been thinking about you guys alot! Please know you are thought of and prayed for. Much love, Betsy

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