Worn Out

We have spent the last two days moving all the stuff out of our house and into storage. Moving is rough. We are exhausted but almost done. It was very difficult for me to come back to this house without Avery. I have been back a couple of times over the past few months but this is the first time I have been home since her death. YUCK. For us, moving is always emotional. Shane is more sentimental than me, but even for me going through all of Kaitlyn's old stuff was hard. Especially considering we were hoping to use all her stuff for Ave. There is no doubt that we have crammed pretty much every life change possible into three months. It's not how I would have planned it, but it is what it is.

We head back to Little Rock tomorrow. Next week should be interesting. My mom leaves Monday and Shane goes back to work. I have a few weeks before Kaitlyn starts school so my plan is to play with her and continue to heal. I feel pretty displaced at the moment. I don't feel right in Fayetteville or Little Rock. It's very weird.

I did end up at the hospital for a little bit on Thursday. It was ok...better than I thought it was going to be. I know that certain days might be easier than others. I talked to a couple of Avery's nurses and gave a quick wave to Dr. Eble...they are all such great people. I peeked into the waiting room and quite honestly was thankful that I wouldn't have to set another foot in there. I walked by her old room and honestly, I was at peace. Not for a moment did I wish her back there. I miss her, but I do not miss her in the CVICU. I remember driving every morning to the hospital, walking in, and panicking about having to see her. It is so comforting to know that she is better off now. I may be in pain, but she is free. Isn't that what it's all about? We sacrifice for them. I didn't give up on her, I let her go. Anyways, some days are good and some are bad. I allow myself both. Today was pretty good and I'll take it.

Carissa