Worn Out

We have spent the last two days moving all the stuff out of our house and into storage. Moving is rough. We are exhausted but almost done. It was very difficult for me to come back to this house without Avery. I have been back a couple of times over the past few months but this is the first time I have been home since her death. YUCK. For us, moving is always emotional. Shane is more sentimental than me, but even for me going through all of Kaitlyn's old stuff was hard. Especially considering we were hoping to use all her stuff for Ave. There is no doubt that we have crammed pretty much every life change possible into three months. It's not how I would have planned it, but it is what it is.

We head back to Little Rock tomorrow. Next week should be interesting. My mom leaves Monday and Shane goes back to work. I have a few weeks before Kaitlyn starts school so my plan is to play with her and continue to heal. I feel pretty displaced at the moment. I don't feel right in Fayetteville or Little Rock. It's very weird.

I did end up at the hospital for a little bit on Thursday. It was ok...better than I thought it was going to be. I know that certain days might be easier than others. I talked to a couple of Avery's nurses and gave a quick wave to Dr. Eble...they are all such great people. I peeked into the waiting room and quite honestly was thankful that I wouldn't have to set another foot in there. I walked by her old room and honestly, I was at peace. Not for a moment did I wish her back there. I miss her, but I do not miss her in the CVICU. I remember driving every morning to the hospital, walking in, and panicking about having to see her. It is so comforting to know that she is better off now. I may be in pain, but she is free. Isn't that what it's all about? We sacrifice for them. I didn't give up on her, I let her go. Anyways, some days are good and some are bad. I allow myself both. Today was pretty good and I'll take it.



  1. AnonymousJuly 25, 2009

    When you love something so much you let it go, rather than to see it suffer for your own selfish benefit. What you all did was the hardest but most selfless thing anyone could ever do. I think you all are such an awesome family and I hope this brings you all so much closer than you ever were before. I barely know you all but feel as if we are close friends or even family. I am praying for you all and hope you feel settled in your new home before Kaitlyn starts school. I pray for Kaitlyn may God bless her and strengthen her. This is so much for such a sweet young girl to have to deal with. Love and Prayers the Jones Family

  2. You are such an amazing mom. The way you loved and love Avery is beautiful. You do and did such a good job.

  3. Carissa and Shane, I am so blessed to read your story. I am amazed by your strength and courage during a time of such pain. Thank you for sharing with us. I'm sure you will have many ups and downs...your sweet family will continue to be in my prayers...

  4. The fact that you "let Avery go" shows how much you love her. You are amazing!

  5. AnonymousJuly 26, 2009

    I've been reading your blog for a few weeks now and have resisted posted anything, but I want to say one thing. I can only think that if it was me going through all that you and your family has been through and people kept telling me that I was amazing, courageous, strong, etc., I would be thinking, "you people are full of crap. I'm doing what I have to do for my child." The bottom line is that you ARE strong, courageous, amazing, etc. You and Shane have cared for your child as best you can, have walked with her down a very difficult path, and have made the extraordinarily hard decision to give her some of the only peace she knew in her short life. Love each other, love Kaitlyn, love Sadie, and remember that there is ALWAYS a reason for things to happen, even if we aren't privy to the answer. Thank you for sharing your journey with the world.

  6. One day at a time! That's all you can do! You are amazing and an inspiration. I pray for peace, comfort, strength and hope in God's Loving Arms for you all.

    God Bless!

  7. :-) the end of that post was beautiful. As parents we have both had to do one of the hardest things, and perhaps display the most unselfish thing a human can do. It is hard to not have our babies with us, but important to remember that they are indeed better off. They are experiencing things that we can only imagine. I am sure our babies are becoming fast friends and I know that one day I will get to meet all of the wonderful families I have "met" through this time. We continue to pray for you all!


  8. It is a gift to share your friendship.
    Thank you and I love you for sharing your self with all of us.

  9. AnonymousJuly 26, 2009

    Thinking and praying for you all daily, The Givens

  10. still here.

    sometimes i wonder if just telling you that is enough, without filling your pages with lots of fluff...but hey, this is how i tell you i'm here so i hope it's not fluff...

    we know the burden of our Lord because we also had to submit to His will and watch our children suffer...and let them go. How beautiful that you can offer that sacrifice for the good of your avery. We do not live for ourselves anymore after we have children. With God, we live to give them the best life they can. And in resurrection, you gave her THE gift.

    i pray you never ever ever feel alone in this journey.


  11. AnonymousJuly 26, 2009

    I have prayed for you often and only hope to have half to strengh that you have, you are an encouragement to me. I pray that you will have more better days than bad. I hope God continues to bless you and your family.

  12. AnonymousJuly 27, 2009

    I continue to pray for you and Shane. Life continues to change. I am looking for that window that God has open for me. We know that God is in control.

    Lilly's Nannie

  13. AnonymousJuly 27, 2009

    Moving is always hard, especially when you add in to the equation everything else that you guys have going on right now. I am so relieved to hear that you had peace when you went to the hopital, because you should have peace knowing that little Avery is flying high, pain free, watching over yall every day. I know she is proud of her family and the decisions you all made for her. I hope the days continue to move forward positively for you and shane. Yall continue to be in our thoughts and prayers every day.

    Hannah Ray

  14. you are so strong carissa. i hate that this happened to someone as sweet as you.
    amy phelps

  15. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers!
    Continue to Stay Strong! May your family share Brighter Days Soon!

    With Love from AZ,

  16. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I think of your precious little Avery night.

  17. AnonymousJuly 29, 2009

    Hope things are going ok this week back in LR. Havent had an update, so I'm thinking either you've been busy or aren't doing so well..hope its the first one.

  18. You are in my thoughts and prayers...new to your blog but read several posts tonight....Will be back to visit again.