Fighting the Anger

Today I had a really good day with my family...but somehow, I found myself continuously fighting the anger. This morning I really wanted to go to Target and pick out cute little baby girl stuff and was really feeling mad that I have to be concerned about having to possibly take it all back. I was inpatient with Kaitlyn, snapped at my husband and just felt overall defeat.

If you came to my house, you would have no idea that a new baby was expected in six weeks. Is that ok? I just can't do it folks. I can't decorate...I have not bought one single thing for Avery...and it makes me mad. It makes me mad at myself and I am not really sure why. I look at the beautiful daughter and husband that I have and I am so thankful and grateful and then the next moment it's like "why can't I have just this one other thing".

Bare with me guys...this is not a pretty side of me.


  1. Don't feel bad or guilty for not buying things for Avery yet. I decided to not buy anything for Joseph and felt sooo bad for not enjoying my last weeks of pregnancy and buying stuff like I did with my previous pregnancies. Joseph passed after 23 days and I'm glad I didn't buy anything for him b/c it would of been so much more painful and stressful for me, my fiancee, and our girls to come home and see all of Joseph's things and no Joseph.
    Avery will not have the same outcome than Joseph, she will stay here and be healthy. Think of how much more fun will be to buy stuff for her b/c she is here and staying :)
    I hope I'm making sense.

    If you ever need to talk or have questions don't hesitate to ask :)


    ~ Carla - Joseph's mom (2.3.09 - 2.26.09)

  2. i do understand your feelings, we had twins in 06 one of our babies passed with a cdh one came home, it was insane the emotions still is to be honest. everything was always on the opposite end of the spectrum crazy excitement vs saddness, up vs down, hope vs reality...take a deep breath im afraid that is about it other than pray for the patience to see what the plan is for avery. it was hard not to by two of things and only by one, you feel so negletful, i felt like i just gave up on her but i let my husband buy some things he felt he needed to do this, i was just like i have too much of reality on and in me now i can't add to it. so i did things like writing her story for her sister and picking out announcements and things that our aubrey deserved to have even if she couldn't come homewith usplease email if i can help in any way, and to when you lose a child your not being frank or rude or selfish or ugly, it stinks and its hard and it hurts and you have been robbed of something that is so hard to wrap your head around until she is here. take care one day at a time.

  3. You'll get through this, sister. Here's to brighter days ahead. Love you!

  4. Carissa-
    These are all normal emotions, and believe me I understand them. I wish I could offer some advice that would ease the "guilt", but you should not feel guilty about a decision that is near impossible to make. I chose to have a shower for Kaden, and alot of CDH parents chose not to. I have a nursery ready, knowing that there is a chance he will never be in it. For me, it was a personal decision--and I completely support and understand your decision not to get anything for Avery. I know how hard it will be to come home to a houseful of baby stuff, if for some reason I do not get to bring Kaden home. In my mind (and probably just mine) I felt like preparing for him to come home was telling God that I will accept nothing less. Showing Him that I am expecting a miracle for my son. I wish I could give you a hug (I kinda need one myself today)...

  5. Hello,

    My name is Joanna and I my baby girl Gabby is due in May. I understand how u feel, I only painted her room but chose not to decorate it or gave a baby shower. I can not imagine coming home without her and seeing her room and her things and not having her. I know one must think positive but its not always easy. Give yourself a break.. u have every right to feel the way u do! my thoughts are with you!

    Joanna(CHERUBS member)

  6. I don't what to say except I love you, friend. Praying for you.

  7. I had chose not to buy things for Maxton or set his gifts up until about a week before he was born. Then I went kinda manic crazy and now I sit here staring at his play yard and stroller and the taks of packing all of his clothes back up. I COMPLETELY understand the not buying things. I wish I wouldn't have went manic and bought all of these things. I don't even know what to do with them now. I have been praying for you and Avery and your family and really thinking you will have a different outcome than mine. My motto during Maxtons journey was to take each day as it came and to try not to have any regrets, so that is my advice. :-) Praying for you!!!