Not My Best Day

I am in a pretty nasty mood this morning. Not really for any reason...just foul. I walked with Sadie hoping that would help clear things up...not so much. So, perhaps writing will help.

I guess more than anything, I am just frustrated. I feel stalled or plateaued or idle and I don't care for it. In my mind, I want to move forward but there is this little voice that says, "Ah ah ah, not quite ready yet". I don't even know what move forward means or looks like these days. I was talking to someone the other day and saying that although my healing is perhaps unapparent on a daily basis, if I stop and really think about it, there are snapshots of how I have coped over the last two months. The sadness is less often but more intense. I recover more quickly from my reflections of Avery, but am fearful of losing my memories of her. For me, one of the hardest parts of losing Avery is the unknown.

The other day I had my first twinge of excitement about the future. Although we are in a rough spot right now, there are some exciting things to come. New house, new job, future pregnancy. Needless to say, the enlightenment did not last long. It was strange to see that small light. I long to get there and spread my arms out wide and spin in circles. It's like being trapped in mud. You so desperately want to move and you try so hard to wiggle free, but after much effort, no luck. Perhaps you moved a little tiny bit or perhaps you sunk deeper. It is a place where mind, heart, and body cannot align...cannot perhaps even compliment each other. In fact, they are most likely pulling in opposite directions.

So today, I think I need to ask for help. This is not one of my strong suits, but believe me, I am working on it. So here it goes. Will you send me a comment of encouragement? Ok, I did it.

Many of you don't know me personally but my hope is that through this blog you feel like you do in some strange way. Many of you are walking personally with me through the grief and many are not. No matter, your words help.



  1. I have followed your blog for a few months now and I have no idea how you are still going.
    God has given you more strength than I can imagine and I know that He has something amazing in store for you. You and Shane have made it through the most difficult trial most can imagine so I know you are going to be greatly rewarded. Keep your chin up through the tough days.

    Amber Reed

  2. I do not know what you are going through, and I will not pretend as though I do. I do know, as I have read your blog from day one, is that you are a very strong person. You have gone through what no parent should ever have to go through and yet you still get up each day and fight for your happiness. It also takes courage and strength to ask for help. I may not have words of wisdom or be able to lend you a helping hand but I can tell you that you will be free of that mud in due time.

  3. Hi Carissa. I lost my baby in May. You are doing great. All of us who have lost a child feel stuck in the mud. Parents who have a child with any illness causes so much stress, I am sure parents with survivors sometimes feel stuck, too. It would be wierd if you felt normal and happy. I have a TON of anxiety. About my older kids, my own health the health of my new *tentative* bean inside. Embrace when you feel good. You will never ever forget Avery, there is no way. I know it feels weird to be moving forward. Avery would want you to. I try to think of what I would feel like if it was possible to look down on loved ones after I pass on. I would want them to love their life and live exuberantly. Please don't shy away from moments of hope. And don't feel bad if you are stuck a while, either. Take both feelings as they come! I wish we could meet, I have a feeling we'd be good friends. Susan Caudle

  4. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child that you held, loved, kissed, etc. The closest thing I can compare it to is a miscarriage I had at 10 weeks. Although, that was the worst pain I have ever had to bear, I know it can't compare to what your family has had to endure. The fact that you are getting out of bed amazes me. It shows me the strength & love you have for your family. I was reading about another mom that lost a baby after a couple of days & I told her that I like to imagine all of the babies who have passed running around heaven playing hide & seek with Jesus. Can't you just imagine him reading them a book & doing all of the things we would've done had they stayed here with us? It gives me a little smile through the pain. Just know that I am praying for you. Sending lots of BIG HUGS your way!! You will moveon to brighter days with your sweet Avery in your heart.

  5. Craissa everything you are going through is normal, whatever that might be. We lost our son in December. You will never forget Avery. It will never be easier, but you will be able to cope better with the fact that she is not here.
    I recently took all the pictures of Kasey(not very many :( ) and put them in frames around the house. Its nice to look at him, its hard, but he's our little punkin.
    You will have days that you feel great and are excited and days where you could careless, don't feel bad or guilty.
    If you ever need to talk or have someone listen I am here I have walked in similar shoes :(

  6. my fingers typed too fast Carissa-didn't mean to spell your name wrong ((hugs))

  7. I don't want to overstep or offend any of your words of encouragement already on the board here...but i remember hearing over and over again how "strong" we are and i remember wanting to laugh. I remember thinking "how ELSE do i do this other than get up every morning?" I mean, yes we have a choice to keep living, i guess in the extreme sense of just giving up...but I would be that, like me, you don't FEEL strong....we are just breathing in and out. Not that we want to. But it's sort of involuntary, so the compliment of being strong, while not wanting to hurt any feelings, just seemed funny to me.

    We are on the cusp on our 1st anniversary. Cana would have been 1 year old. As that date hovers over, we feel torn. We feel like we are stuck until that date passes, yet every "anniversary" or holiday is one more day further away from her.

    If i can encourage you in anything, it's that there is no normal way to "move forward." i hear it's a life long process and while that sounds daunting, it's just "but a breath compared to our forever with Christ."

    I am proud of you. Proud that you lived the pregnancy, because unfortunately, in the worlds eyes, you DID have a choice. Proud that you ask for help...THAT shows strength in your brokenness. Proud that you still turn to the Father, even in anger and confusion and foul moods. Proud that you can still be grateful for those in your life who are walking with you. Proud that you can think ahead and be open to new life in your womb. Proud that in your weakness, you can inspire strength and faith in others.


  8. Carissa,

    I do not know you personally or know your pain from a personal level. I have never lost a child. But there is one who knows and who has not only lost a child, but He gave his up for you and I. I would like so much to be an encouragement for you, but the real rest and healing will come from the Lord. I read your blog and I can feel your pain and hurt and I cannot imagine how it must be to have to try and live each day as "normal".

    Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and that I hope you can realize that Avery lives on in her story and the comfort that will bring to those who deal with this same pain.

    Take care.

  9. Carissa,

    I have not lost a child so I can't comprehend your devastation. I did lose my mother to cancer at a young age, her illness and watching her fade away was hard to deal with. I knew God did not cause her illness but I couldn't understand why hundreds of prayers begging him to heal her didn't work. The anniversary of her death, June 3, was always painful. Years passed and one June 5 I realized I hadn't grieved on June 3. At first I was horrified but after thinking about it I knew she would be happy for me that I could go on with my life and not dwell on painful things. Don't feel guilty when you have joy, when this fresh wound can be put in the background for a moment. You will have alot of joy to experience in your life. Don't push it away because of guilt.

  10. It must be in the air today. I am having a really rough one, too. I am just so angry that I don't have my son, and trying to get pregnant again just seems to be adding to my disappointment. I could have personally written your entire post today. It just stinks...I HATE CDH!

  11. Everything is going to be ok. What you are going through is totally normal. You will have all types of emotions and it is just part of the healing process. Hang in there and know that you aren't alone and that there are many people praying for you. Hugs

  12. Carissa,
    I can't relate to your loss and I pray to God that I never will. However, knowing others who have lost children, I try to imagine what the 'other side' is doing while we are mourning.

    I imagine a HUGE party in Heaven. I imagine grandparents, aunts, brothers/sister (those that passed away earlier) rejoicing at our loved one's arrival. Kind of like at an airport when you see the balloons and signs and then the 'encounter' when the person gets off of the airplane. I then imagine that they go to a big feast where they share all of the details about us to our loved ones that are in Heaven. I can only imagine what Avery has to say about you, her dad, and sister. I can imagine her talking about the hours that you spent watching over her, how you smelled, how you felt, etc. I can imagine her talking about your love and what a great family you are to her.. . .Put yourself there for just a minute and let yourself feel the excitement of that party. While you are missing her desperately, she is at a Feast filled with all of your loved ones. She is laughing, smiling, and eating great food!

    Avery is not and will not be forgotten.
    Friend in Pittsburgh (mysophiegrace@yahoo.com)

  13. I don't know you personally, but was drawn to your blog from Sofie's blog. My daughter's name is also Avery, so I felt an instant connection to to.

    My message of encouragement comes from helping a friend through the loss of her husband. Here goes... manage your grief as YOU would like to manage it. DON'T let thoughts of what you THINK should happen invade your heart. Only you can know how you feel. Only you can know what helps you see in the darkness. Praise yourself for allowing yourself to have true, raw emotions. Cry, laugh, love, rage...do it all. Above all, know that there are so many of us who do not even know you personally who keep you in our thoughts on a daily basis.

    Jill from Missouri

  14. Carissa
    My heart goes out to you. I don't really know what to say except that sweet little Avery touched my life. Even though we are strangers she has made a deep impact in my life. She will never be for gotten.((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

    owains mommy LCDH

  15. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Just remember you are not alone and there are many people out there praying for you and your family.

  16. I've never lost a family member (not one that I am really close to) but I've lost so many friends over the years. My best friend from junior high and highschool, Jaime, died in 2003. I feel like I cried every day for two years. I used to think about her constantly. As time goes by, it hurts less and less. On her birthday, or the anniversary of her death, I think of her more than usual. Other than that though, I've been able to move on from thinking about her so much. That sounds bad, but I know it's not. Some days are just hard. And some days are even harder. No one expects anything from you. So give yourself time to grieve and feel an array of emotions. Nothing is wrong with feeling bad. It's probably good for you. Just be gentle with yourself and know that someday, things will feel differently than they do right now.

    Lots of love to you.

  17. Hi There Carissa,

    We lost our youngest son, Nicholas last November. I know exactly what it feels like to not feel like you are able to put one foot in front of the other. I also know how difficult it is when there are older siblings involved in the grieving process. I have two older sons (5 and 3) and watching them hurt is a whole different kind of heartache.

    I am so proud of you for asking for help. It's so very hard to do.. especially as mommy's. You need and deserve all the support you can get right now. So take it and try to be gentle on yourself. I am certain that Avery is helping you every step of the way on this lifelong journey.

    I have made some Angel Wings for Avery. They are posted on my Angel Wings Memorial Boutique Blog. I hope they can offer you some comfort.

    Love and strength to you,

    Angel Wings Memorial Boutique

  18. Hi Carissa, you and I do not know one another. I found your blog several months ago through the Mooney family (I don't know them either). However, you and your family, and sweet Avery kept me coming back. I had never heard of CDH before, but through your experince (and other's CDH blogs) I learned a lot more about it. I am a mother of 2 (one girl ~ 3 years, and a boy ~ about to turn 2). There were scary moments with my 2nd pregnancy, but in the end I had a bouncing beautiful boy. However, from the experience it made me realize I am not in control. Also, it taught me to be thankful for what I do have. So the past several months of reading your experience, it made me hug my children just a little closer, be a little more patient, and thank God everyday for what I have. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you, and sweet Avery. I feel a connection to you, not sure why, but I feel the need to check your blog everyday to see how you are doing. I also find myself going back through older posts of yours, especially the memorial tribute of Avery.

    Last Sunday my priest gave a surmon about God's love and sacrifice. He stated that in our own lives, how we love, how we sacrifice ~ even though it doesn't compare to what He went through. I know we aren't supposed to question God's plan, but it just seems so unfair. There are many mother's out there that lose their children / babies (from CDH or other complications or accidents). God must have chosen the strongest of women. You, Carissa, are one of the strongest women I know.

    God Bless you and your family. Missing Avery!

  19. Carissa,
    Your honesty is very refreshing! Dealing with today is enough right now and it seems like you are doing that in the best way you can. My sister talks about all of the time what an amazingly supportive, kind, real friend you are to her and she appreciates you so much! Hoping there is not so much 'mud' in your day tomorrow! :)
    Courtney Fields Connelly

  20. Well, darn it. I almost picked up the phone to call you this morning and I really, really wish I had. I love you, friend. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

  21. I must say that I am so proud to be a blog friend of yours-you are a VERY strong lady. I know that asking for help and support is so hard, but there are times when you just need it. I have always been in awe of how you have handled this from the moment you found out until this very day, and I think you are incredible.

    You are right that the future does have some bright spots in it and to be honest, Avery will always be in those bright spots making them that much brighter. I would never in anyway say I know what you are going through-but I know that you can make it. She is holding your hand and head up every step of the way and wiping away your tears. You are a great mother and role model for your little girls and they are so lucky to have you!

    Hang in there and know that we are all here when you need us, we all love you!!!

  22. Listen to all the words of love and support sweetheart and hear mine too...I have walked in your shoes. Just tonight, while I was out walking, tears welled up and spilled while I started missing Nick for about the one millionth time over the last 4 years! Grieve how you want and grieve how you can - it's all you can do. Avery and Nick and all the chiildren, friends, parents, siblings and loved ones we've lost are truly up in heaven with Him looking down on us..... aren't they?
    Hugging you through your tears and mine dear friend.

  23. I have been following your blog since just after Avery's birth and check it daily to see how you are doing. I am sorry to hear that today has been such a tough day for you. I think of you and your family often and am praying for you guys daily. I hope that in some way you feel some comfort knowing that so many people care about you and have been forever touched by the life of your sweet angel, Avery. I hope tomorrow is a better day!!!!!

    Lots of hugs and prayers,


  24. Lindsey KateSeptember 15, 2009

    Hello ~ I'm not sure how I found you ~ probably through someone at our church (Fellowship Bible Church - NWA), but I've been following the story of your sweet family for several months now and feel a deep connection to you guys. I think we used to live in the same neighborhood in Lowell.

    I want you to know tonight that the sorrow you have gone through is not for nothing. Although it feels as if your heart has been ripped out of your chest and some days you hardly have the strength to keep going, God is holding you in the palm of His hand and painting a portrait with your life story (and Avery's!) that has and will continue to bless many. I am so very sorry for all that you've gone through and pray often for healing and hope to fill your hearts.

    Grace and peace.

  25. Hey Carissa,

    I read your blog through Lizz W (above). I know her heart is broken into a million pieces for you, and even though I do not know you, talking to her makes me feel as if I do.
    There are so many people on here with more eloquent words. Or words that actually mean something because they know what you're going through.
    This may sound silly, but something was said during a TV show tonight that I applies to your horrible loss. The gist was that seeing someone pull through a tragedy gives others hope they can pull through to. And even though the road will be long and hard, when others see you walk through it (in good, bad, and ugly ways), they glean hope and encouragement from you.
    I hope you continue to post real, truthful posts. It is important. I also hope that you will be able to read the archives in a few years and take joy in where you and your family are.

    Peace and love to you.

  26. i am thinking of you.....i am so sorry. It's horrible......i will pray for your heart, and if i could ask something from you,,,I need prayers for my hurt heart as well.....today has been hard....i cried the whole time i read your post.....I just said a little prayer for you.........lots of love

  27. Carissa- I have followed your blog for several months and am always at a loss of things to say but here it goes...I cannot relate to how it feels to losing a child so I'm not going to say I do. It is VERY clear to me that you are very strong woman and have always inspired me as I read your blogs and wonder "how does this lady cope day to day". I can only imagine that you are a true blessing to your family and if I could guess I would say that you are one truly amazing woman! Keep your head up as you watch Kaitlyn grow and know that your gorgeous angel daughter is watching over you all and knows just how much you love her and will NEVER forget her. If you don't cry every day, that's ok! If you smile today, that's ok! If you need to cry today, that's ok too! As you close the evenings, just know that Avery knows just how much you love her and she wants Mommy to be ok with the fact that she is playing in the Heavens with all the other CDH babies that chose wings over feet.

    ((HUGS)) from Paris, AR

  28. I have been following your blog for awhile and I thought now was an appropriate time so comment. I have a daughter named Avery and so it just makes me feel connected to you in some way. I pray for your family often and I hope that you do have more happy moments thinking about the future. I also pray that you do not forget the wonderful memories that you were able to create with Avery.

  29. Carissa,
    Everyone grieves differently and everyone, at some point, realizes they should ask for some sort of help.
    You are strong, you are surrounded by love, and most importantly, your heart will go on. I know there are days you don't want to get out of bed and days where you think the world should have stopped when yours did but your heart will go on. You have love to give to Shane, Kaitlyn, Avery, future babies, and countless friends & family...your heart will go on.
    I have had some health obstacles of my own lately and I tell myself -- no matter what -- my heart will go on.

    Yours will too.
    Chicago, IL

  30. I visit your blog regularly and Im always amazed at your peaceful writing even though you are going thru one of the worst things one could experience in life.
    Stay strong, God will help you....keep praying and I know you will see the light at the end of the tunnel some day....
    Please know that someone from mexico is praying for you and your family...(hug)

  31. I also visit your blog regularly and this of you often. While I have not lost a child, I have lost someone very dear to me, and while the first year is so difficult,,,,,,with passing of time the ache is much less sharp, and the memories are so much sweeter. I find myself rarely thinking about the final days of suffering and TRULY celebrate the happier memories which will NEVER go away.

    Yesterday I stood alongside a highway while a fallen soldier was returned home. My heart aches for his mother; her fighter was 24 years old. My heart aches for you and your little fighter.

    Your grief is on YOUR timetable, you'll know when to move on with life. Just don't be afraid that you'll forget Avery. That will never happen, you will just remember her with more happiness and less pain. Today I'm praying for you.

  32. I have been following your blog for sometime. Althought I have not experienced your pain personally, each time I ready your posts, I feel your hurt. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am praying that you are able to move into the light and maintain the beautiful memories of Avery.

    With Love,

  33. I read a devotional a few years ago that said, "Sometimes persevering means we just show up every day."

    Several years ago (I turned 40 last month), I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. It is not a life-threatening disease - and for that I am thankful - but it affects my ability to do a lot of things. In addition to the physical limitations and the aches & pains that RA causes, it often drains me of my energy and leaves me feeling depressed. Some mornings I wake up with a "why me" attitude and it is a challenge just to face the day. But...I haul myself out of bed, go to work, take care of my family and do all the things that have to be done. Some days I'm probably not much fun to be around, but I showed up.

    Thankfully these "poor me" days don't come around too often, but when they do, this devotional reminds me that when I'm down, God is walking with me. He has never abandoned me during the times of pain, discouragement and grumpiness. God sees me through my days by simply helping me to show up.

    As you go through the process of mourning the loss of Avery and facing the future, you're going to have good days and bad days. Some days, just showing up may be the best you can do...and that's OK. Just remember, "If God leads you to it, He'll lead you through it."

    My thoughts and prayers are with you :o)

  34. Sometimes when I'm feeling down and everything seems to be going wrong, I start wondering "what do I have to be thankful for?"

    One particularly grouchy day, a friend told me that when she gets to feeling like that, she would stop and come up with 10 things from the previous day that she was thankful for.

    I decided to give it a try that night when I went to bed...I've been doing it every night since. Some days it takes some thought to come up with 10 things...

    Last night I was thankful for: my comfy bed, my dog snuggled up next to me, safe travel on the rainy roads, my kids laughing together, a funny e-mail from a friend, warm towels right out of the dryer, money to fill my gas tank, my daughter fixing supper, my husband's kisses and Facebook friends.

    Sometimes we just need to stop, be still and think about all the little things we are thankful for...and tell God "thank you".

    Even though you are feeling "stuck in the mud" right now, don't forget to count the many blessings that you have. Avery was, and still is, one of your many blessings. Just don't let your grief over loosing her rob you of your chance to Live, to Laugh and to Love. She wouldn't want her mommy to be sad forever. Feeling "normal" will come in time.

    Love and hugs to you and your family

  35. I am praying for you as you struggle today. Please remember that although most people go through a strikingly similar set of steps in the grieving process, we go through them in a different order, repeating some steps, skipping some to return to them on our own time, and spending varying amounts of time on each. To repeat a step or to skip one for a while is a sign of the healing process, not a sign of defeat. No one can judge our healing processes, not even us!

  36. You are beautiful! Life never seems to turn out the way we want it or expect it to, but some words of wisdom from a great woman I know (my mother!)...Everything happens for a reason!!! It can be so hard to believe, but I have really found myself being able to find that in every situation in my life. And I promise you, her memories will live on with you forever, I've lost people in my life and can still have their memory, but you have the greatest connection of anyone in this world to Avery, and she will never let you forget her. You also have a very supportive husband and partner through all of this, they are rare these days, and picturing my husband and myself in this situation, I can't say he would hold up as well as yours did. God is good...all the time. And all the time...God is good. All the time...God is good.

    All my love!

  37. I love you! I'm sorry I can't be there to give you a big hug and even cry with you, but you know I am just a phone call away.
    Sometimes I find with any day that I am in a pissy mood it helps to say- ok self, you are mad and thats ok. Go ahead and have your bad day. Even screaming outloud helps! When I just let myself get it out I can get on with the day.

    Maybe that doesn't help, but I hope you find some way to feel ok after your bad moments.

  38. I have noticed as time goes by I have almost an anxiety about the fact that every day I am one day further from him (at least here on earth). There is a fear of forgetting all the little things about Evan that I loved. I really don't know what to say to make it better, but I am praying.

  39. Carissa,

    I read your blog..stumbling through Kelly's Korner...and have followed it. We too are coming up on the anniversary of losing my husband's brother suddenly and unexpectedly last year. The experience has had a lot of pain, but also a lot of spiritual and personal growth for us all. We wish we knew answers, but God comforts us and protects us, and gives us the things we need just exactly at the moment we need them. He is good and kind and gentle and yet perfect and powerful and just. It's just so hard for us to see His ways and to know them. I have prayed for you and your family through your transition(s). And if I could - if'd offer you more hope. But it seems like you know Jesus and have a fervent walk with Him, and that will guide your next steps. This is way beyond my comfort zone..but when I read your request it seemed like asking was way outside yours. And I thought - the least I can do is recognize and let you know that "You're in His hands". There is a song by Plumb that I listen to while running (God will take care of me) that comes to mind when I think of your family.
    God Bless,

  40. I have followed your blog for some time now and I am so saddened by your loss and do not know if I have the right words to say. You said it in this post though, you saw the light at the end of the tunnel, however small it was, it is there. I am writing this comment to you and I am telling myself with the situations I am in right now, I need to do the same thing. You have a beautiful daughter that is still with you and she needs you to be strong for her and Shane. You seem like such a solid individual and a ROCK for your family, so I am sure it is so hard for you to be feeling so helpless. Avery will always be in your heart and you will NEVER lose the memories of her. My suggestion to you would be to make multiple photo / memory albums of her, you can even make them on Shutterfly or some site like that if you do not want to do it by hand. That way, you can write down a lot of the memories you have - good and bad, so that when you want to or Shane or Kaitlyn, you can both look back on them and remember all the times you spent with Avery. Keep your head up, keep praying and keeing your faith in God and you are right, he will take care of you, just as he is taking care of your Angel Avery in heaven. Best of luck to you and your family and I will pray today to give you the strength you need.

    Take Care,

  41. Carissa,
    I have no idea what you are dealing with so I feel that my words are inadequete. I have been reading for quite awhile and I truly admire you and your strength. I know you probably don't realize just how strong you are, but just as a reader, I can see it. I can see that you are trying so hard for your family and trying to make sure Kaitlyn still has her needs met. Emotional and otherwise. I pray for you to continue on with your healing, while still remembering precious Avery. I pray things work out for you and your family just how they are intended. God knows what's coming for you and I hope it's time for greatness. Keep your strength going but remember it's okay to curl up and cry. It's ok to do that. Love ya girl!

  42. I rarely comment on your blog, but I do check on you daily. I know if must feel like you are carrying an unbearable weight, but please know there are so many of us out there...with you every step of the way...praying for you daily...Helping and hoping to lighten your burden, even if it's only a tiny bit at a time. Much love from Fayetteville.

  43. I have read your blog since the begining and have often felt moved to write, but haven't. Like many of the others have said, I won't pretend to know what you are going through, but I appreciate your willingness to share it. It is my hope and prayer that you and your sweet family can find comfort, peace and direction during this time. Keep up the good fight, keep on loving your family, keep on serving your God and keep on doing what you know you should do. You are in my prayers.

  44. Carissa-Just checked the blog today. Sending you my love... Praying for you all and wishing a ray of sunshine your way. I know how much better you feel when the sun is shinning. Kisses. :~) Holli

  45. Just seeing all these many comments people have made to you should keep you encouraged as many words of wisdom, love and support have been said in so many different words. So many of us cannot know exactly how you feel with the many trials and struggles you face daily, but just know that when soul touches soul, like has occurred between your family and hundreds of people throughout the world in recent months, it is like we all hold hands to give each other a lift or a tug to make each little step possible. When you have your dark hours, just close your eyes and feel all the many hands holding onto yours to give you the support you need to make it through another day. So many love you. Let that knowledge bring you peace and bits of joy as each day passes til your joy can be full. You will always have your memory of Avery. It is the emotional stress which will fade in time. God bless you and your family today and always. Goldie McGarrah

  46. Hello- I dont know you personally, but have been following your blog for awhile- I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are in my prayers. Avery is beautiful and will never be forgotten. You have many wonderful things coming your way and while another baby will never replace Avery hopefully it will help to ease a bit of the ache. You are a strong woman, I admire you. In my prayers daily.
    Kara- from PA

  47. Stay strong. Hang tough. So many people are here for you. It's hard but you can get through. It won't be easy but you can do it. It will take time but you will move forward--day by day, step by step, little by little! So many prayers for you all.

  48. Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted-Matthew 5:4 -I feel that Avery was a tiny angel on earth,put here to bless everyone that knew her. She is still touching people's lifes from heaven above,I found this poem and thought you may enjoy it: IM ALRIGHT "My time was short Mom and Dad, but I want you both to know,I'm with our Heavenly Father now where I'll laugh, and play,and grow. I know how much you love me, and I know you cry at night,but I need you to remember that everything's alright.God never hurts his children, he just kept me from the pain,Then he let you keep my memory so you know his love remains. At night when you lie in the darkness and the pain overwhelms your heart,Please know I'm always with you,Because our souls do not depart.God keeps them safe in Heaven where one day we'll all unite,but for now let God embrace you with his arms around you tight.I love you Mommy and Daddy,God is Great,and I'm alright,When you see my star in Heaven, Its my wings reflecting light." Praying for God to keep giving you Strength and Understanding. Love the Givens

  49. I have been thru alot in my life but I have never had to give up a child. I've been told that is one of the hardest things in life to do. My son, Kory, had a little boy on May 14th. I have been following you for a long time and have wanted to let you know we are here and we love you. I look forward to meeting you. The only thing other than family that has pulled me thru the hard times is God. I know you have heard of the footprints in the sand. Lean on God and let him take you thru this. I know you have a wonderful husband and beautiful daughter, a good support system, but God will not put on you more than you can handle. I always heard that saying and I come to dislike it but have found it to be true. Let the Lord hold you and do the walking in the hard time. I had a son who had ALL leukemia at 3 years old, it was hard but he is 25 and has a 3 year old daughter. That is just a little I have been thru. We have your family in our prayers.
    Love, Wanda (Arnold's wife)

  50. This is the first time I have seen your blog and I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. Death affects our whole life. I like what others have said - grieving is a process. There will be times that you will cry and that is ok. Another suggestion was to make an album - It will be a nice thing to do and to keep where you can look at it when you don't have access or time for the computer. Another thing you might want to do is to plant a memory garden - since you are in limbo as far as where you will live, you might be able to get a few plants in pots and then plant them when you get settled. With a bench and a plaque to name it Avery's garden - it would be a pleasant place for you to remember her.

    There will be hills and valleys as you heal.....like you have already experienced you want to go forward and yet its hard to let go of the past. As time goes on you will keep the best memories of Avery in your heart and at the same time be able to smile as new experiences come to your family.

    This is also a good time to pray that your faith will grow stronger - sometimes our faith seems so weak!

    Take care, many care for you.

  51. hi family.
    haven't seen anything new from you for a week or so and was just thinking about you, praying for you, wondering about you. Still here. Still praying. still carrying. still grieving with you.