Happy Birthday To Kaitlyn!

Today we celebrate the birth of Kaitlyn McAlister Keirsey!! She turns six today and I have to say she is quite proud of her many years. She woke up this morning and miraculously had a loose tooth. I tried so hard to wiggle it, but to me, nothing was wiggling. She insisted that it was loose so I said, "ok babe, whatever you say". I pick my arguments carefully these days.

Last weekend we were up in Fayetteville to have Kaitlyn's party. She was able to see pretty much all her friends, and she had a fabulous time. It was important to me to make this a special time for her. Not in an indulgent way, but in a way that would remind her about what an important part she plays in our family. She has had a hard couple months and for the most part, she has done really well. Although I don't necessarily hide my emotions from her, I do try to limit my crying and carrying on when we are together.

There is a hint of sadness today. While I love to sit and reminisce about the morning that Kaitlyn arrived, it is hard to do so without thoughts of Avery's birth creeping in. Obviously, the memories of Kaitlyn's birth are joyous and exciting. I have not gotten to that place when I think about the day Ave was born. It is very discouraging to think about my child's birth and not feel happy. Those should be the happiest moments in life. Right now, the memories of Avery's birth are of raw fear and deep uncertainty. I don't know if that will ever change...

Shane and I were talking the other night about songs. We both love music, but Shane especially has a connection to lyrics. He was thinking about songs that remind him of me or Kaitlyn. He says he thinks of me when he hears "She's Everything" by Brad Paisley and he thinks of Kaitlyn when he hears "Sweet Zoe Jane" by Staind. The song that makes me think of Shane is "Only You Can Love Me This Way" by Keith Urban. During the time that Avery was sick, music was a big part of how we were able to relate to our pain. We have all these songs that take us back to the different stages of Ave's life. Most of them elicit tears and a longing for things to have been different. We were talking about how we want to go back to the days where songs brought happiness and freedom rather than emptiness.

So here we are...attempting to make this a special day for our oldest daughter...but somehow I don't feel 100% committed to it all. It will be a fun day of celebration but there will be a portion of me that is distracted. That's the ugly truth.

I love Kaitlyn will all my heart. She brightens our lives with tremendous energy and a tender heart. What sweet peace we have in enjoying the daily adventures of parenting her!

Carissa