Well I've reached my last day of time off. I was out of work last Wednesday and Thursday because Kaitlyn was sick, and then out on Friday because of snow and ice. The snow is melting and we are all anxious to get out and back to our routine!
So the last couple of weeks have been pretty good around here. We are very close to moving into our rental house. We all went over yesterday to take a couple things over and everything looks really good. The grass is in and the fence should be up next week! This is a big piece of our healing so honestly we are all very excited to be reunited with our things! We left our house in Fayetteville on Mother's Day last year...it's hard to believe how long it has been! We have been so blessed along the way with housing and care, and I am just so thankful for everything.
Let's see...two dear sweet friends welcomed beautiful baby boys into the world last week! I am so happy for these lovely women and their families! Many of my cyber CDH mommas are expecting and I am really starting to feel excited about the possibility of adding to our own family!
So on to another week! I'm so happy to welcome February!
Carissa
1.31.2010
1.10.2010
Grace
It seems that over the past couple of months, a lot of personal growth has occurred for both Shane and me. I was talking to my beautiful friend Bethany the other day, and she was asking about how we were doing. You know, as I sat there trying to explain how I was feeling, the only word I could come up with was grace. I find this to be an extremely challenging word to understand but for whatever reason, it is on my mind.
We are approaching the six month anniversary of Avery's death and if I was to take you through the past six months, you would see a whirlwind of peaks and valleys. I would say that October was the hardest month for me...and probably Shane as well. Don't know why but it was what I would describe as my lowest point. So some medication and some soul searching helped push me forward and out of the fog. So between the months of October and December I have seemed to have moved through perhaps the worst of MY grieving process. Now tomorrow, I may completely retract that statement!
Today, I feel good. I mean not just ok/good...I mean GOOD. For me, the new year has brought a mixture of relief and fear. I am relieved to be setting some new goals and scared that this new year leaves Avery behind. I have been reading The Shack by WM. Paul Young. It is a very interesting book and honestly, I have really enjoyed it. The book has challenged my faith and strengthened my understanding of grace. Perhaps that is why I have grace on the mind. I truly believe that Avery is my grace. Her beautiful sacrifice has brought so much joy into my life. Not the kind of joy that we often experience in everyday life, but the kind that comes from the deepest places you could possibly imagine. It is painful joy and I feel blessed to have been gifted with her constant spirit. Not long after Avery died, one of our friends wrote the most beautiful poem. Kaitlyn read it out loud the other day and I just cried and cried. It's a strange place to feel comfort and pain at the same time.
As the days go by and I look at Ave's pictures, I feel more and more peace and relief and less and less sadness and anger. So our family continues to climb back up to the place we were before December 23, 2008. Things will never be the same, but in a good way. We are a stronger family and I am continually grateful for the relentless support we have received.
Thanks to all for your constant giving.
Carissa
We are approaching the six month anniversary of Avery's death and if I was to take you through the past six months, you would see a whirlwind of peaks and valleys. I would say that October was the hardest month for me...and probably Shane as well. Don't know why but it was what I would describe as my lowest point. So some medication and some soul searching helped push me forward and out of the fog. So between the months of October and December I have seemed to have moved through perhaps the worst of MY grieving process. Now tomorrow, I may completely retract that statement!
Today, I feel good. I mean not just ok/good...I mean GOOD. For me, the new year has brought a mixture of relief and fear. I am relieved to be setting some new goals and scared that this new year leaves Avery behind. I have been reading The Shack by WM. Paul Young. It is a very interesting book and honestly, I have really enjoyed it. The book has challenged my faith and strengthened my understanding of grace. Perhaps that is why I have grace on the mind. I truly believe that Avery is my grace. Her beautiful sacrifice has brought so much joy into my life. Not the kind of joy that we often experience in everyday life, but the kind that comes from the deepest places you could possibly imagine. It is painful joy and I feel blessed to have been gifted with her constant spirit. Not long after Avery died, one of our friends wrote the most beautiful poem. Kaitlyn read it out loud the other day and I just cried and cried. It's a strange place to feel comfort and pain at the same time.
As the days go by and I look at Ave's pictures, I feel more and more peace and relief and less and less sadness and anger. So our family continues to climb back up to the place we were before December 23, 2008. Things will never be the same, but in a good way. We are a stronger family and I am continually grateful for the relentless support we have received.
Thanks to all for your constant giving.
Carissa
12.31.2009
I'm Gonna Update!
I'm gonna update...I promise...this weekend. Please forgive me! Things have been nutso! Just real quick, we are all doing really good. Thankful for so much this year! Please check back and get caught up on what's been on my mind over the past few weeks!
Carissa
Carissa
11.30.2009
Here's the Update
Well, it's been awhile since I have gotten around to posting anything...partly because I have been busy and partly because I just have not felt like there was much to tell. So, here is the latest on what the family has been up too!
The biggest news is that I got a job! I am starting on January 4th at Rivendell Behavior Health. I'm very excited, scared, nervous and all that, but I think this is going to be a great opportunity for me. It is a step towards putting all the pieces back together. I will the counselor for the outpatient day school. There will be a lot of things to put together before I start and I'm hoping everything will work out.
We had a good Thanksgiving holiday. We spent a couple days in Louisiana with Shane's family and then headed back to AR for the weekend. It was great to get away and have some time to relax. I was just not sure how we were going to handle the holiday without Avery. It was really a mixed feeling for me. I so desperately wish that Avery could have been with us. But in a way, it is because of her that we were able to be together as a family for the whole holiday break. It's hard to explain. All in all, we are doing our best to keep going forward.
Kaitlyn is continuing to do great! She is still loving Kindergarten and having a lot of fun making new friends. It's hard to believe that this first year of school is almost half over. I knew it would go fast.
Please continue to pray for us as we continue to heal. Pray that I find after school care for Kaitlyn and that our house sells. We are so very thankful for all your continued support. Your comments and encouragement really do mean so much and we are just so grateful to have such wonderful friends!
Carissa
The biggest news is that I got a job! I am starting on January 4th at Rivendell Behavior Health. I'm very excited, scared, nervous and all that, but I think this is going to be a great opportunity for me. It is a step towards putting all the pieces back together. I will the counselor for the outpatient day school. There will be a lot of things to put together before I start and I'm hoping everything will work out.
We had a good Thanksgiving holiday. We spent a couple days in Louisiana with Shane's family and then headed back to AR for the weekend. It was great to get away and have some time to relax. I was just not sure how we were going to handle the holiday without Avery. It was really a mixed feeling for me. I so desperately wish that Avery could have been with us. But in a way, it is because of her that we were able to be together as a family for the whole holiday break. It's hard to explain. All in all, we are doing our best to keep going forward.
Kaitlyn is continuing to do great! She is still loving Kindergarten and having a lot of fun making new friends. It's hard to believe that this first year of school is almost half over. I knew it would go fast.
Please continue to pray for us as we continue to heal. Pray that I find after school care for Kaitlyn and that our house sells. We are so very thankful for all your continued support. Your comments and encouragement really do mean so much and we are just so grateful to have such wonderful friends!
Carissa
11.02.2009
It's Been A Long Week
Well, I just wanted to take a few minutes to check in with all of you. The past week was really hard for both Shane and me. Both of us were feeling pretty negative about our situation right now and it has just been really hard to see the light at the end. I know it's there, but it's only flashing...not continuous. I know there are going to be good days and bad, but I am so craving some consistency.
I had a job interview this morning and it went pretty good. I am a little bit concerned about adding another stressful component to our situation, so we'll see. Our biggest challenge continues to be our lack of "home". I am just dying right now to have my things. I want to come HOME. I am thankful that we have a place to stay, but it's going on six months that we have been away from all that we know. I feel like if we could just get that piece settled, we might have a chance at making some progress. Everything just seems to be at a standstill.
It is very difficult to make decisions right now because it is almost impossible to distinguish the truth. One day you feel one way and the next day you feel another. It's so hard to know what feeling is connected to what and in the end, it becomes a big mess of mush. I just wish there was something I could do to make things better. I WANT TO SELL OUR HOUSE!!!! I feel so helpless!!
So please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray for some sort of patience and guidance. We continue to feel somewhat lost and are just hoping that we are doing the right things.
Carissa
I had a job interview this morning and it went pretty good. I am a little bit concerned about adding another stressful component to our situation, so we'll see. Our biggest challenge continues to be our lack of "home". I am just dying right now to have my things. I want to come HOME. I am thankful that we have a place to stay, but it's going on six months that we have been away from all that we know. I feel like if we could just get that piece settled, we might have a chance at making some progress. Everything just seems to be at a standstill.
It is very difficult to make decisions right now because it is almost impossible to distinguish the truth. One day you feel one way and the next day you feel another. It's so hard to know what feeling is connected to what and in the end, it becomes a big mess of mush. I just wish there was something I could do to make things better. I WANT TO SELL OUR HOUSE!!!! I feel so helpless!!
So please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray for some sort of patience and guidance. We continue to feel somewhat lost and are just hoping that we are doing the right things.
Carissa
10.19.2009
Can You Ever Really Plan Anything?
So the last week has been pretty good. There were a few days last week that were pretty rough...mostly just because I was bored. There has been a lot of rain around here lately and I did not work a whole lot last week. Shane was sick and in bed for quite a few days. Good news is he is feeling way better and we all had a good weekend.
So mostly, I am just really struggling with how much our lives have changed since all of this stuff happened with Avery. I just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, but jeez it's just so hard to believe sometimes. Shane and I have had many conversations about everything that happened and over and over we agree, no regrets. It's just that when all the parts of your life are suddenly stripped, all you can think about is how quickly you can put them back into place. Honestly, I just can't put all the pieces back into place. I want to so badly, but it's just not possible. It makes me so very frustrated. We are recovering from not only the loss of Ave, but also massive changes. I just keep telling myself that I have to trust mother time. I don't like her so much right now. I have to tell myself, "Wait, just slow down. It is ok if all of this does not get fixed tomorrow."
So since I can't fix everything tomorrow, I am going to take one thing at a time. So next on the agenda, finding a job. Hopefully I can find something in the counseling field. The goal is to start in January. We shall see. I guess just keep praying for us. Help us keep the faith.
Carissa
So mostly, I am just really struggling with how much our lives have changed since all of this stuff happened with Avery. I just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, but jeez it's just so hard to believe sometimes. Shane and I have had many conversations about everything that happened and over and over we agree, no regrets. It's just that when all the parts of your life are suddenly stripped, all you can think about is how quickly you can put them back into place. Honestly, I just can't put all the pieces back into place. I want to so badly, but it's just not possible. It makes me so very frustrated. We are recovering from not only the loss of Ave, but also massive changes. I just keep telling myself that I have to trust mother time. I don't like her so much right now. I have to tell myself, "Wait, just slow down. It is ok if all of this does not get fixed tomorrow."
So since I can't fix everything tomorrow, I am going to take one thing at a time. So next on the agenda, finding a job. Hopefully I can find something in the counseling field. The goal is to start in January. We shall see. I guess just keep praying for us. Help us keep the faith.
Carissa
10.06.2009
Moving Forward
Well, it has been awhile since I have had time to sit and organize my thoughts. So I sit here contemplating...thinking...organizing...trying to put into words all that has happened. Over the past few weeks, we have been rather busy. I think this is a good thing. A couple of weeks ago, I was at a nasty low point. It was not pretty, but I reached out to all of you, and with Shane's help was able to stumble out with renewed hope. So here we are...still stumbling a bit, but hey, whatever gets you from point A to point B!?!?
So I would say that the most exciting part of the past few weeks is that I GOT A PART-TIME JOB!!! Woooo Hoooo!! I have this lovely friend and her family owns a Christmas Tree Farm here in Little Rock. Well turns out they need some extra help during the holiday season and so, you guessed it, I am part of the extra help! They have recently added a pumpkin patch and some other fun fall activities so it was a perfect opportunity for me. Basically during the week I will be helping give tours of the farm. Kids come for field trips and I get to guide them through all the fun fall activities. Then starting around Thanksgiving, the Christmas tree fun begins! It sounds so simple and fun and that is what I just adore about it. It is a great way for me to get out of the house and move towards re-incorporating "normal" things into my new life.
Alright so that's the job stuff. Now, let's see...Shane and I have had some busy weekends. Last weekend Shane traveled to Alexandria, LA to visit his old high school as well as some of his buddies. It was good for him to get away and remember his old stompin' ground. The weekend before that, I was in Colorado visiting my family. Shane stayed home with Kaitlyn and I was able to have a really nice time away for a few days. It has been good for both of us to have some time to ourselves to do some of the things we have not been able to do over the past few months. In the coming weekends we are looking forward to some family time and perhaps some Halloween activities!!!
Ok, I also wanted to share with you that we have started attending a grief group called Good Mourning. This program is provided through Arkansas Children's Hospital and is primarily for children who have experienced the death of a loved one. So Kaitlyn is going and hanging out with other kids her age and Shane and I meet with other parents/caregivers. For us, this is just another piece of healing. It is an opportunity for our whole family to discuss how Avery's life and death has affected us. I honestly don't really know what to expect from this group, but I am open. Perhaps that is the hardest part of grief...the willingness to accept the unknown. Grief is a mystery. That is really annoying for me but I'm pretty sure there is nothing I can do to change it.
So overall, I feel like we are doing pretty good. Right now, there are more good days than bad. That may change, but for now, I'll take it. So as always, thank you for your continued support. It means so much to me that you continue to care.
Carissa
So I would say that the most exciting part of the past few weeks is that I GOT A PART-TIME JOB!!! Woooo Hoooo!! I have this lovely friend and her family owns a Christmas Tree Farm here in Little Rock. Well turns out they need some extra help during the holiday season and so, you guessed it, I am part of the extra help! They have recently added a pumpkin patch and some other fun fall activities so it was a perfect opportunity for me. Basically during the week I will be helping give tours of the farm. Kids come for field trips and I get to guide them through all the fun fall activities. Then starting around Thanksgiving, the Christmas tree fun begins! It sounds so simple and fun and that is what I just adore about it. It is a great way for me to get out of the house and move towards re-incorporating "normal" things into my new life.
Alright so that's the job stuff. Now, let's see...Shane and I have had some busy weekends. Last weekend Shane traveled to Alexandria, LA to visit his old high school as well as some of his buddies. It was good for him to get away and remember his old stompin' ground. The weekend before that, I was in Colorado visiting my family. Shane stayed home with Kaitlyn and I was able to have a really nice time away for a few days. It has been good for both of us to have some time to ourselves to do some of the things we have not been able to do over the past few months. In the coming weekends we are looking forward to some family time and perhaps some Halloween activities!!!
Ok, I also wanted to share with you that we have started attending a grief group called Good Mourning. This program is provided through Arkansas Children's Hospital and is primarily for children who have experienced the death of a loved one. So Kaitlyn is going and hanging out with other kids her age and Shane and I meet with other parents/caregivers. For us, this is just another piece of healing. It is an opportunity for our whole family to discuss how Avery's life and death has affected us. I honestly don't really know what to expect from this group, but I am open. Perhaps that is the hardest part of grief...the willingness to accept the unknown. Grief is a mystery. That is really annoying for me but I'm pretty sure there is nothing I can do to change it.
So overall, I feel like we are doing pretty good. Right now, there are more good days than bad. That may change, but for now, I'll take it. So as always, thank you for your continued support. It means so much to me that you continue to care.
Carissa
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