I guess my overall thougt about this week was that I had a somewhat more normal schedule. Shane was back at work, Kaitlyn was up early ready to go, and I think I actually went to Walmart this week. It was more similar to my routine. I got a lot done and was also able to spend some time with friends.
In the same way that I was freaking out about having too much to do, I am a little anxious about what will happen when I have nothing to do. I do not sit still very well and I tend to get bored quickly. It is more my style to have a full day so that being said, I'm not sure where that leaves me. We are still in the middle of trying to figure out where we are going to live and until that is more clear, I am not sure how I am going to fill my time. I am hesitant to jump right into work in the counseling field because I think I need some time to work through all that has happened. I have been thinking about looking for some part-time work but I'm just not sure. Kaitlyn will start school in a couple of weeks and that will leave me with empty days. I am trying to be patient and just see where things go, but that too is very difficult for me.
Shane and I will keep pushing forward and trust that in time our lives will settle. There is no book on how to handle these situations in life. We are to some extent flying blind...just hoping that we are moving in the right direction.
Carissa
7.31.2009
7.25.2009
Worn Out
We have spent the last two days moving all the stuff out of our house and into storage. Moving is rough. We are exhausted but almost done. It was very difficult for me to come back to this house without Avery. I have been back a couple of times over the past few months but this is the first time I have been home since her death. YUCK. For us, moving is always emotional. Shane is more sentimental than me, but even for me going through all of Kaitlyn's old stuff was hard. Especially considering we were hoping to use all her stuff for Ave. There is no doubt that we have crammed pretty much every life change possible into three months. It's not how I would have planned it, but it is what it is.
We head back to Little Rock tomorrow. Next week should be interesting. My mom leaves Monday and Shane goes back to work. I have a few weeks before Kaitlyn starts school so my plan is to play with her and continue to heal. I feel pretty displaced at the moment. I don't feel right in Fayetteville or Little Rock. It's very weird.
I did end up at the hospital for a little bit on Thursday. It was ok...better than I thought it was going to be. I know that certain days might be easier than others. I talked to a couple of Avery's nurses and gave a quick wave to Dr. Eble...they are all such great people. I peeked into the waiting room and quite honestly was thankful that I wouldn't have to set another foot in there. I walked by her old room and honestly, I was at peace. Not for a moment did I wish her back there. I miss her, but I do not miss her in the CVICU. I remember driving every morning to the hospital, walking in, and panicking about having to see her. It is so comforting to know that she is better off now. I may be in pain, but she is free. Isn't that what it's all about? We sacrifice for them. I didn't give up on her, I let her go. Anyways, some days are good and some are bad. I allow myself both. Today was pretty good and I'll take it.
Carissa
We head back to Little Rock tomorrow. Next week should be interesting. My mom leaves Monday and Shane goes back to work. I have a few weeks before Kaitlyn starts school so my plan is to play with her and continue to heal. I feel pretty displaced at the moment. I don't feel right in Fayetteville or Little Rock. It's very weird.
I did end up at the hospital for a little bit on Thursday. It was ok...better than I thought it was going to be. I know that certain days might be easier than others. I talked to a couple of Avery's nurses and gave a quick wave to Dr. Eble...they are all such great people. I peeked into the waiting room and quite honestly was thankful that I wouldn't have to set another foot in there. I walked by her old room and honestly, I was at peace. Not for a moment did I wish her back there. I miss her, but I do not miss her in the CVICU. I remember driving every morning to the hospital, walking in, and panicking about having to see her. It is so comforting to know that she is better off now. I may be in pain, but she is free. Isn't that what it's all about? We sacrifice for them. I didn't give up on her, I let her go. Anyways, some days are good and some are bad. I allow myself both. Today was pretty good and I'll take it.
Carissa
7.23.2009
Reality
It has been a little over a week since Avery died and I am beginning to work through the reality of our situation. Over the past few months there has been nothing but "in the moment". Those of you who know me well, know that I am a planner. Well that whole planner thing went right out the window after Avery was born. The bottom line is that it is simply not possible to plan anything when you have a sick baby. Things change minute by minute. So, I readjusted and tried to do what felt right at the time. That being said, we are now left to sift through the decisions that were made "in the moment".
As many of you know, during the time that Avery was sick, Shane changed jobs so that we could be closer to Avery and keep up with her care. Now trust me, there were other reasons why he quit. We knew it was possible that Avery would never come home and that we would still move from Fayetteville. "In the moment" I did not care how crazy it sounded to change jobs and move. Shane and I simply wanted to be close to our baby. Well the aftermath of all of this is that we have a house on the market in Fayetteville, a job in Little Rock, and basically no place to call home. We were so blessed to have Pulaski Heights Baptist Church offer their house for us to stay in, but we are coming up on our time to move on. The church and its members have been so kind and unbelievably giving and we are so thankful for their loving spirits. Anyways, Kaitlyn will be starting kindergarten in a few weeks and I am freaking out a little bit about how all of this is going to work out. I desperately want to be "home" and have some sense of comfort in my everyday life.
So after all this blabbing, basically I am in need of prayers. Please pray that this situation will work itself out. Pray our house will sell quickly...pray we can get somewhat settled before Kaitlyn starts school...pray that we as a family can remain glued together. I am scared, and I feel like I have very little control over things right now.
Carissa
As many of you know, during the time that Avery was sick, Shane changed jobs so that we could be closer to Avery and keep up with her care. Now trust me, there were other reasons why he quit. We knew it was possible that Avery would never come home and that we would still move from Fayetteville. "In the moment" I did not care how crazy it sounded to change jobs and move. Shane and I simply wanted to be close to our baby. Well the aftermath of all of this is that we have a house on the market in Fayetteville, a job in Little Rock, and basically no place to call home. We were so blessed to have Pulaski Heights Baptist Church offer their house for us to stay in, but we are coming up on our time to move on. The church and its members have been so kind and unbelievably giving and we are so thankful for their loving spirits. Anyways, Kaitlyn will be starting kindergarten in a few weeks and I am freaking out a little bit about how all of this is going to work out. I desperately want to be "home" and have some sense of comfort in my everyday life.
So after all this blabbing, basically I am in need of prayers. Please pray that this situation will work itself out. Pray our house will sell quickly...pray we can get somewhat settled before Kaitlyn starts school...pray that we as a family can remain glued together. I am scared, and I feel like I have very little control over things right now.
Carissa
7.22.2009
Moving Forward
Over the past few days I have been slowly chipping away at my list of things to do. Shane keeps telling me that I can't get everything done in one day...he knows me so well.
The mornings are the hardest right now. When we wake up, we are both immediately hit with the realization that all of this was not a dream. Avery is gone. No late night phone calls from the hospital, no calls to the hospital to see how her stats are, and no talks about what it will be like to bring her home. For nine weeks straight I went to the hospital...walked through the maze to the CVICU...stood by her bed and held her hand. I have not done any of those things since last Tuesday. In the same way I had to adjust to hospital life, I now have to adjust to life without the hospital. It is so strange. It is most definitely NOT normal to spend day and night consumed by a newborn in the hospital, but for us, for those nine weeks, it was normal. I am now left to contemplate what my life will be like from this day forward. We fight daily to focus on the positive. It is easy to get caught up in the things that are no longer...the phone calls to check on us, family members in town, and attention in general. In a way, we got used to the mad rush of attention and now that it is not as intense, we miss it. It is time to move on.
Yesterday, I went to the social security office because some how or another, Avery's social security card paperwork never got filed. I was trying so hard to keep it together as I talked to the lady helping me. She told me we would have to just start over. I would need to bring Avery's birth certificate and some form of ID. She said, "you can bring her shot records...you've done her 2 month shots right?" I burst into tears and told her that my daughter had passed away. She of course was horrified. It is those kind of occurrences that I do not look forward too. It's nobody's fault and I wasn't mad, I just wish things were different. I have some business at the hospital to take care of tomorrow. Like I mentioned above, I have not been back there so I anticipate it will be difficult. We also plan to visit Avery's grave today or tomorrow. That too will also be challenging. Please continue to pray for peace and healing as we embark on a long list of "firsts". Thank you for all your kind words, your heart felt cards, and your cyber hugs. We cherish all the memories and hold so tightly to you precious friends.
Carissa
The mornings are the hardest right now. When we wake up, we are both immediately hit with the realization that all of this was not a dream. Avery is gone. No late night phone calls from the hospital, no calls to the hospital to see how her stats are, and no talks about what it will be like to bring her home. For nine weeks straight I went to the hospital...walked through the maze to the CVICU...stood by her bed and held her hand. I have not done any of those things since last Tuesday. In the same way I had to adjust to hospital life, I now have to adjust to life without the hospital. It is so strange. It is most definitely NOT normal to spend day and night consumed by a newborn in the hospital, but for us, for those nine weeks, it was normal. I am now left to contemplate what my life will be like from this day forward. We fight daily to focus on the positive. It is easy to get caught up in the things that are no longer...the phone calls to check on us, family members in town, and attention in general. In a way, we got used to the mad rush of attention and now that it is not as intense, we miss it. It is time to move on.
Yesterday, I went to the social security office because some how or another, Avery's social security card paperwork never got filed. I was trying so hard to keep it together as I talked to the lady helping me. She told me we would have to just start over. I would need to bring Avery's birth certificate and some form of ID. She said, "you can bring her shot records...you've done her 2 month shots right?" I burst into tears and told her that my daughter had passed away. She of course was horrified. It is those kind of occurrences that I do not look forward too. It's nobody's fault and I wasn't mad, I just wish things were different. I have some business at the hospital to take care of tomorrow. Like I mentioned above, I have not been back there so I anticipate it will be difficult. We also plan to visit Avery's grave today or tomorrow. That too will also be challenging. Please continue to pray for peace and healing as we embark on a long list of "firsts". Thank you for all your kind words, your heart felt cards, and your cyber hugs. We cherish all the memories and hold so tightly to you precious friends.
Carissa
7.21.2009
7.19.2009
Quiet
It has been an absolutely crazy past few days. Last weekend Shane and Kaitlyn went up to Fayetteville to check on some things. I frantically called him back to Little Rock on Saturday night after I got a feeling that Avery was taking a turn for the worse. Since then, we have been going nonstop. Today is the first day that I have been able to have some quiet. Not sure if quiet is good or bad. I slept until noon, went through some paperwork, and sat outside with my brother.
Ever since we entered this adventure with Ave, the days fly. Even as I sit here now, I can't believe that it is 4pm. I am guessing there will be a time when there won't be as much to do and that those will be the hardest days. Eventually the medical bills will be organized, the endless list of phone calls will be completed, the thank you cards will be sent, and the house will be sold. Avery will still be gone and we will be left to wonder what life would have been like if she had had a different prognosis.
I personally am doing ok. I have no regrets. We did all we could for our sweet girl. Honestly, if medicine were not as advanced as it is, Avery would not have made it through the first day. We pushed our limits and gave her every chance possible. She died peacefully in my arms and I could not ask for a better way. It was not a shock and it was not rushed. It was beautiful in a way. This may be hard to understand, but in a way I never really had her in a normal way. I never held her, heard her cry, nursed her, changed her diaper, or took her for walks. She was always a bit distant. I loved her of course and spent every moment possible holding her hands and feet, kissing her nose, and lathering her up with lotion. I know she knew I was there and I know she knew we loved her. That for me is all that matters.
I look forward to the days when my smiles and laughter won't be so forced. It will take time I know, but for now I am grateful for the many tender moments Shane and I shared with Ave. I don't want to forget them or push them aside. I want to look at her pictures and smell her blankets. She is forever connected to both Shane and me in a unique way.
I hope you will continue to follow our story. You will have to forgive me, but I will likely use this blog in conjunction with counseling as my own personal therapy and processing. Although I realize that this makes me very vulnerable, I am comforted by the opportunity for release.
Carissa
Ever since we entered this adventure with Ave, the days fly. Even as I sit here now, I can't believe that it is 4pm. I am guessing there will be a time when there won't be as much to do and that those will be the hardest days. Eventually the medical bills will be organized, the endless list of phone calls will be completed, the thank you cards will be sent, and the house will be sold. Avery will still be gone and we will be left to wonder what life would have been like if she had had a different prognosis.
I personally am doing ok. I have no regrets. We did all we could for our sweet girl. Honestly, if medicine were not as advanced as it is, Avery would not have made it through the first day. We pushed our limits and gave her every chance possible. She died peacefully in my arms and I could not ask for a better way. It was not a shock and it was not rushed. It was beautiful in a way. This may be hard to understand, but in a way I never really had her in a normal way. I never held her, heard her cry, nursed her, changed her diaper, or took her for walks. She was always a bit distant. I loved her of course and spent every moment possible holding her hands and feet, kissing her nose, and lathering her up with lotion. I know she knew I was there and I know she knew we loved her. That for me is all that matters.
I look forward to the days when my smiles and laughter won't be so forced. It will take time I know, but for now I am grateful for the many tender moments Shane and I shared with Ave. I don't want to forget them or push them aside. I want to look at her pictures and smell her blankets. She is forever connected to both Shane and me in a unique way.
I hope you will continue to follow our story. You will have to forgive me, but I will likely use this blog in conjunction with counseling as my own personal therapy and processing. Although I realize that this makes me very vulnerable, I am comforted by the opportunity for release.
Carissa
Beautiful Goodbye...or See you later ^Avery Mae^
Cannot write much this morning. I will just say that alot of love, and sadness, was at Pulaski Heights Baptist Church yesterday. We sang, cried, hurt, and celebrated Avery's short life as a family. Keirsey's, Stewart's, Given's, Mcree's and Ray's were brought together after many years of being apart. I was honored and proud to carry my sweet girls casket out of the church and then to her final resting place. I don't know if those of you who were in our presence noticed, but many dragonflies flew around the childrens headstones when we first arrived. It was almost like a welcome of Angels from God, or maybe even the children themselves. We released turqouise and white balloons ,to signify CDH and peace, and watched them rise up to the Heavens as ^Avery Mae^ did. As a qoute from a movie once said " It was my worst, and my best day". God Bless and thanks for sharing, Shane.
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