I can't believe it has been a year since I posted anything! I've been thinking a lot lately about how to use my story. How do I pay it forward? I just keep thinking there is some purpose...just not sure if I've found it yet.
I've beeen going to a grief group on Thursday nights for a few weeks now. It's a 12 week group and it's pretty awesome. As we approach Avery's third birthday, I am continually reminded how amazing and complicated the grief process is. I was driving home the other night, and I drove by a local hospital and just burst into tears. It just instantly took me back to night after night of coming and going out of ACH and I had this moment of sadness thinking back to those days. You know, you think you've got it all under control and then, BOOM...back to the beginning stages.
Anyways, still dealing with the process. It's a beautiful, scary, exhausting, and complicated journey.
Carissa
3.19.2012
1.11.2011
It Still Hurts
It still hurts. She would have been running, playing, talking, and calling me Mommy. She would have been one and a half. I miss the days when she was alive and breathing. I just miss them...the way she smelled, her sweet eyes, saying her name. I don't know what else to say...it just still hurts. I love you Avery Mae and miss you oh so much.
11.17.2010
Welcome Baby Morgan Rae!
Where do I begin?
First of all, let me just say that we are so deeply in love with this baby girl! She is just such a blessing! Shane and I are so thrilled to welcome her into our lives!
Morgan was scheduled to arrive via c-section on November 16th but in Keirsey style, she decided to come on her own time. We heard her cry for the first time at 3:05am on November 13, 2010 and what a sweet sweet cry it was.
We are adjusting to having a baby around again but loving every minute of everyday. Shane has been by my side since Saturday night and I am so grateful for his constant giving.
There were tears when we walked in the door to our house...we couldn't help but wish this was the path with Avery but we are grateful that this is our path with Morgan.
As always, thank you for your constant support!
8.25.2010
Summer Days
It has been a LONG time since I posted anything. Just been busy...
Here is your sneak peak at baby Morgan...I am at 28 weeks :)
Things are good around here. Work for both of us has been going well...Kaitlyn started 1st grade and baby Morgan Rae is growing just like she should be. We have been struggling with the heat around here and are most definitely looking forward to the fall. Kaitlyn turns seven in September, Shane has two 20 year reunions, and somewhere in there I am hoping to get Morgan's room together. It's gonna be busy!!
Hope all is well with all of you. Thanks for keeping up with us! We appreciate your continued interest in our lives! Will keep you posted on Morgan's arrival in November!
Carissa
5.08.2010
Anyone Still Out There?
It is really hard for me to believe that it has been three months since I last posted. The initial reason for this blog was to keep so many of our beautiful friends and family updated on the condition of Avery. As we move forward, I guess it does not occur to me to post on a regular basis. But, because so many beautiful relationships blossomed out of the blog, I feel some pull to continue to tell our story.
So, the story continues. We are growing, changing, rebuilding, and always learning. Avery's first birthday is on Wednesday and quite honestly, it is really hard to believe that we have reached this point. Of course, we think of her often, but our thoughts are more comforting and less painful. She made the most unbelievable impact on my life in her 62 short days. I can't help but believe that her purpose was to somehow open my eyes to a new way of looking at the world. As absolutely horrible as the experience was, I am forever grateful to this precious girl for her gifts.
All in all, things are good for us. We sold our house, I am working, Shane starts a new job on Monday, and Kaitlyn is a month away from Kindergarten graduation! I cannot be more honest when I tell you that we literally take each day as it comes. Day by day...my new mantra. So as we move day by day, we appreciate each moment. We breath...in and out...
November will be an exciting month for us as we are expecting another baby! So far so good, but probably the scariest time for our whole family. I have often prayed and begged for healing...to get to that place where I feel better and perhaps as I get closer to that place, I have become even more terrified of what that means about my connection to Avery. I must learn how to relate her name with fondness and peace rather than worry and sadness. I am getting there and it's just different. So compiled with all the fears about the health of this baby are the complicated emotions that surround the concept of another infant joining the infant that is not here.
So we all go forward. It's all we can do. We are thrilled to be sharing another pregnancy together as a family and look forward to being able to continue to share with you. I will probably eventually start a new blog but we'll see. Thanks as always for walking next to me in this journey. Each and every person who has been a part of our story has a special place in my heart. Love you all.
Carissa
So, the story continues. We are growing, changing, rebuilding, and always learning. Avery's first birthday is on Wednesday and quite honestly, it is really hard to believe that we have reached this point. Of course, we think of her often, but our thoughts are more comforting and less painful. She made the most unbelievable impact on my life in her 62 short days. I can't help but believe that her purpose was to somehow open my eyes to a new way of looking at the world. As absolutely horrible as the experience was, I am forever grateful to this precious girl for her gifts.
All in all, things are good for us. We sold our house, I am working, Shane starts a new job on Monday, and Kaitlyn is a month away from Kindergarten graduation! I cannot be more honest when I tell you that we literally take each day as it comes. Day by day...my new mantra. So as we move day by day, we appreciate each moment. We breath...in and out...
November will be an exciting month for us as we are expecting another baby! So far so good, but probably the scariest time for our whole family. I have often prayed and begged for healing...to get to that place where I feel better and perhaps as I get closer to that place, I have become even more terrified of what that means about my connection to Avery. I must learn how to relate her name with fondness and peace rather than worry and sadness. I am getting there and it's just different. So compiled with all the fears about the health of this baby are the complicated emotions that surround the concept of another infant joining the infant that is not here.
So we all go forward. It's all we can do. We are thrilled to be sharing another pregnancy together as a family and look forward to being able to continue to share with you. I will probably eventually start a new blog but we'll see. Thanks as always for walking next to me in this journey. Each and every person who has been a part of our story has a special place in my heart. Love you all.
Carissa
1.31.2010
Long Weekend
Well I've reached my last day of time off. I was out of work last Wednesday and Thursday because Kaitlyn was sick, and then out on Friday because of snow and ice. The snow is melting and we are all anxious to get out and back to our routine!
So the last couple of weeks have been pretty good around here. We are very close to moving into our rental house. We all went over yesterday to take a couple things over and everything looks really good. The grass is in and the fence should be up next week! This is a big piece of our healing so honestly we are all very excited to be reunited with our things! We left our house in Fayetteville on Mother's Day last year...it's hard to believe how long it has been! We have been so blessed along the way with housing and care, and I am just so thankful for everything.
Let's see...two dear sweet friends welcomed beautiful baby boys into the world last week! I am so happy for these lovely women and their families! Many of my cyber CDH mommas are expecting and I am really starting to feel excited about the possibility of adding to our own family!
So on to another week! I'm so happy to welcome February!
Carissa
So the last couple of weeks have been pretty good around here. We are very close to moving into our rental house. We all went over yesterday to take a couple things over and everything looks really good. The grass is in and the fence should be up next week! This is a big piece of our healing so honestly we are all very excited to be reunited with our things! We left our house in Fayetteville on Mother's Day last year...it's hard to believe how long it has been! We have been so blessed along the way with housing and care, and I am just so thankful for everything.
Let's see...two dear sweet friends welcomed beautiful baby boys into the world last week! I am so happy for these lovely women and their families! Many of my cyber CDH mommas are expecting and I am really starting to feel excited about the possibility of adding to our own family!
So on to another week! I'm so happy to welcome February!
Carissa
1.10.2010
Grace
It seems that over the past couple of months, a lot of personal growth has occurred for both Shane and me. I was talking to my beautiful friend Bethany the other day, and she was asking about how we were doing. You know, as I sat there trying to explain how I was feeling, the only word I could come up with was grace. I find this to be an extremely challenging word to understand but for whatever reason, it is on my mind.
We are approaching the six month anniversary of Avery's death and if I was to take you through the past six months, you would see a whirlwind of peaks and valleys. I would say that October was the hardest month for me...and probably Shane as well. Don't know why but it was what I would describe as my lowest point. So some medication and some soul searching helped push me forward and out of the fog. So between the months of October and December I have seemed to have moved through perhaps the worst of MY grieving process. Now tomorrow, I may completely retract that statement!
Today, I feel good. I mean not just ok/good...I mean GOOD. For me, the new year has brought a mixture of relief and fear. I am relieved to be setting some new goals and scared that this new year leaves Avery behind. I have been reading The Shack by WM. Paul Young. It is a very interesting book and honestly, I have really enjoyed it. The book has challenged my faith and strengthened my understanding of grace. Perhaps that is why I have grace on the mind. I truly believe that Avery is my grace. Her beautiful sacrifice has brought so much joy into my life. Not the kind of joy that we often experience in everyday life, but the kind that comes from the deepest places you could possibly imagine. It is painful joy and I feel blessed to have been gifted with her constant spirit. Not long after Avery died, one of our friends wrote the most beautiful poem. Kaitlyn read it out loud the other day and I just cried and cried. It's a strange place to feel comfort and pain at the same time.
As the days go by and I look at Ave's pictures, I feel more and more peace and relief and less and less sadness and anger. So our family continues to climb back up to the place we were before December 23, 2008. Things will never be the same, but in a good way. We are a stronger family and I am continually grateful for the relentless support we have received.
Thanks to all for your constant giving.
Carissa
We are approaching the six month anniversary of Avery's death and if I was to take you through the past six months, you would see a whirlwind of peaks and valleys. I would say that October was the hardest month for me...and probably Shane as well. Don't know why but it was what I would describe as my lowest point. So some medication and some soul searching helped push me forward and out of the fog. So between the months of October and December I have seemed to have moved through perhaps the worst of MY grieving process. Now tomorrow, I may completely retract that statement!
Today, I feel good. I mean not just ok/good...I mean GOOD. For me, the new year has brought a mixture of relief and fear. I am relieved to be setting some new goals and scared that this new year leaves Avery behind. I have been reading The Shack by WM. Paul Young. It is a very interesting book and honestly, I have really enjoyed it. The book has challenged my faith and strengthened my understanding of grace. Perhaps that is why I have grace on the mind. I truly believe that Avery is my grace. Her beautiful sacrifice has brought so much joy into my life. Not the kind of joy that we often experience in everyday life, but the kind that comes from the deepest places you could possibly imagine. It is painful joy and I feel blessed to have been gifted with her constant spirit. Not long after Avery died, one of our friends wrote the most beautiful poem. Kaitlyn read it out loud the other day and I just cried and cried. It's a strange place to feel comfort and pain at the same time.
As the days go by and I look at Ave's pictures, I feel more and more peace and relief and less and less sadness and anger. So our family continues to climb back up to the place we were before December 23, 2008. Things will never be the same, but in a good way. We are a stronger family and I am continually grateful for the relentless support we have received.
Thanks to all for your constant giving.
Carissa
12.31.2009
I'm Gonna Update!
I'm gonna update...I promise...this weekend. Please forgive me! Things have been nutso! Just real quick, we are all doing really good. Thankful for so much this year! Please check back and get caught up on what's been on my mind over the past few weeks!
Carissa
Carissa
11.30.2009
Here's the Update
Well, it's been awhile since I have gotten around to posting anything...partly because I have been busy and partly because I just have not felt like there was much to tell. So, here is the latest on what the family has been up too!
The biggest news is that I got a job! I am starting on January 4th at Rivendell Behavior Health. I'm very excited, scared, nervous and all that, but I think this is going to be a great opportunity for me. It is a step towards putting all the pieces back together. I will the counselor for the outpatient day school. There will be a lot of things to put together before I start and I'm hoping everything will work out.
We had a good Thanksgiving holiday. We spent a couple days in Louisiana with Shane's family and then headed back to AR for the weekend. It was great to get away and have some time to relax. I was just not sure how we were going to handle the holiday without Avery. It was really a mixed feeling for me. I so desperately wish that Avery could have been with us. But in a way, it is because of her that we were able to be together as a family for the whole holiday break. It's hard to explain. All in all, we are doing our best to keep going forward.
Kaitlyn is continuing to do great! She is still loving Kindergarten and having a lot of fun making new friends. It's hard to believe that this first year of school is almost half over. I knew it would go fast.
Please continue to pray for us as we continue to heal. Pray that I find after school care for Kaitlyn and that our house sells. We are so very thankful for all your continued support. Your comments and encouragement really do mean so much and we are just so grateful to have such wonderful friends!
Carissa
The biggest news is that I got a job! I am starting on January 4th at Rivendell Behavior Health. I'm very excited, scared, nervous and all that, but I think this is going to be a great opportunity for me. It is a step towards putting all the pieces back together. I will the counselor for the outpatient day school. There will be a lot of things to put together before I start and I'm hoping everything will work out.
We had a good Thanksgiving holiday. We spent a couple days in Louisiana with Shane's family and then headed back to AR for the weekend. It was great to get away and have some time to relax. I was just not sure how we were going to handle the holiday without Avery. It was really a mixed feeling for me. I so desperately wish that Avery could have been with us. But in a way, it is because of her that we were able to be together as a family for the whole holiday break. It's hard to explain. All in all, we are doing our best to keep going forward.
Kaitlyn is continuing to do great! She is still loving Kindergarten and having a lot of fun making new friends. It's hard to believe that this first year of school is almost half over. I knew it would go fast.
Please continue to pray for us as we continue to heal. Pray that I find after school care for Kaitlyn and that our house sells. We are so very thankful for all your continued support. Your comments and encouragement really do mean so much and we are just so grateful to have such wonderful friends!
Carissa
11.02.2009
It's Been A Long Week
Well, I just wanted to take a few minutes to check in with all of you. The past week was really hard for both Shane and me. Both of us were feeling pretty negative about our situation right now and it has just been really hard to see the light at the end. I know it's there, but it's only flashing...not continuous. I know there are going to be good days and bad, but I am so craving some consistency.
I had a job interview this morning and it went pretty good. I am a little bit concerned about adding another stressful component to our situation, so we'll see. Our biggest challenge continues to be our lack of "home". I am just dying right now to have my things. I want to come HOME. I am thankful that we have a place to stay, but it's going on six months that we have been away from all that we know. I feel like if we could just get that piece settled, we might have a chance at making some progress. Everything just seems to be at a standstill.
It is very difficult to make decisions right now because it is almost impossible to distinguish the truth. One day you feel one way and the next day you feel another. It's so hard to know what feeling is connected to what and in the end, it becomes a big mess of mush. I just wish there was something I could do to make things better. I WANT TO SELL OUR HOUSE!!!! I feel so helpless!!
So please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray for some sort of patience and guidance. We continue to feel somewhat lost and are just hoping that we are doing the right things.
Carissa
I had a job interview this morning and it went pretty good. I am a little bit concerned about adding another stressful component to our situation, so we'll see. Our biggest challenge continues to be our lack of "home". I am just dying right now to have my things. I want to come HOME. I am thankful that we have a place to stay, but it's going on six months that we have been away from all that we know. I feel like if we could just get that piece settled, we might have a chance at making some progress. Everything just seems to be at a standstill.
It is very difficult to make decisions right now because it is almost impossible to distinguish the truth. One day you feel one way and the next day you feel another. It's so hard to know what feeling is connected to what and in the end, it becomes a big mess of mush. I just wish there was something I could do to make things better. I WANT TO SELL OUR HOUSE!!!! I feel so helpless!!
So please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray for some sort of patience and guidance. We continue to feel somewhat lost and are just hoping that we are doing the right things.
Carissa
10.19.2009
Can You Ever Really Plan Anything?
So the last week has been pretty good. There were a few days last week that were pretty rough...mostly just because I was bored. There has been a lot of rain around here lately and I did not work a whole lot last week. Shane was sick and in bed for quite a few days. Good news is he is feeling way better and we all had a good weekend.
So mostly, I am just really struggling with how much our lives have changed since all of this stuff happened with Avery. I just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, but jeez it's just so hard to believe sometimes. Shane and I have had many conversations about everything that happened and over and over we agree, no regrets. It's just that when all the parts of your life are suddenly stripped, all you can think about is how quickly you can put them back into place. Honestly, I just can't put all the pieces back into place. I want to so badly, but it's just not possible. It makes me so very frustrated. We are recovering from not only the loss of Ave, but also massive changes. I just keep telling myself that I have to trust mother time. I don't like her so much right now. I have to tell myself, "Wait, just slow down. It is ok if all of this does not get fixed tomorrow."
So since I can't fix everything tomorrow, I am going to take one thing at a time. So next on the agenda, finding a job. Hopefully I can find something in the counseling field. The goal is to start in January. We shall see. I guess just keep praying for us. Help us keep the faith.
Carissa
So mostly, I am just really struggling with how much our lives have changed since all of this stuff happened with Avery. I just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, but jeez it's just so hard to believe sometimes. Shane and I have had many conversations about everything that happened and over and over we agree, no regrets. It's just that when all the parts of your life are suddenly stripped, all you can think about is how quickly you can put them back into place. Honestly, I just can't put all the pieces back into place. I want to so badly, but it's just not possible. It makes me so very frustrated. We are recovering from not only the loss of Ave, but also massive changes. I just keep telling myself that I have to trust mother time. I don't like her so much right now. I have to tell myself, "Wait, just slow down. It is ok if all of this does not get fixed tomorrow."
So since I can't fix everything tomorrow, I am going to take one thing at a time. So next on the agenda, finding a job. Hopefully I can find something in the counseling field. The goal is to start in January. We shall see. I guess just keep praying for us. Help us keep the faith.
Carissa
10.06.2009
Moving Forward
Well, it has been awhile since I have had time to sit and organize my thoughts. So I sit here contemplating...thinking...organizing...trying to put into words all that has happened. Over the past few weeks, we have been rather busy. I think this is a good thing. A couple of weeks ago, I was at a nasty low point. It was not pretty, but I reached out to all of you, and with Shane's help was able to stumble out with renewed hope. So here we are...still stumbling a bit, but hey, whatever gets you from point A to point B!?!?
So I would say that the most exciting part of the past few weeks is that I GOT A PART-TIME JOB!!! Woooo Hoooo!! I have this lovely friend and her family owns a Christmas Tree Farm here in Little Rock. Well turns out they need some extra help during the holiday season and so, you guessed it, I am part of the extra help! They have recently added a pumpkin patch and some other fun fall activities so it was a perfect opportunity for me. Basically during the week I will be helping give tours of the farm. Kids come for field trips and I get to guide them through all the fun fall activities. Then starting around Thanksgiving, the Christmas tree fun begins! It sounds so simple and fun and that is what I just adore about it. It is a great way for me to get out of the house and move towards re-incorporating "normal" things into my new life.
Alright so that's the job stuff. Now, let's see...Shane and I have had some busy weekends. Last weekend Shane traveled to Alexandria, LA to visit his old high school as well as some of his buddies. It was good for him to get away and remember his old stompin' ground. The weekend before that, I was in Colorado visiting my family. Shane stayed home with Kaitlyn and I was able to have a really nice time away for a few days. It has been good for both of us to have some time to ourselves to do some of the things we have not been able to do over the past few months. In the coming weekends we are looking forward to some family time and perhaps some Halloween activities!!!
Ok, I also wanted to share with you that we have started attending a grief group called Good Mourning. This program is provided through Arkansas Children's Hospital and is primarily for children who have experienced the death of a loved one. So Kaitlyn is going and hanging out with other kids her age and Shane and I meet with other parents/caregivers. For us, this is just another piece of healing. It is an opportunity for our whole family to discuss how Avery's life and death has affected us. I honestly don't really know what to expect from this group, but I am open. Perhaps that is the hardest part of grief...the willingness to accept the unknown. Grief is a mystery. That is really annoying for me but I'm pretty sure there is nothing I can do to change it.
So overall, I feel like we are doing pretty good. Right now, there are more good days than bad. That may change, but for now, I'll take it. So as always, thank you for your continued support. It means so much to me that you continue to care.
Carissa
So I would say that the most exciting part of the past few weeks is that I GOT A PART-TIME JOB!!! Woooo Hoooo!! I have this lovely friend and her family owns a Christmas Tree Farm here in Little Rock. Well turns out they need some extra help during the holiday season and so, you guessed it, I am part of the extra help! They have recently added a pumpkin patch and some other fun fall activities so it was a perfect opportunity for me. Basically during the week I will be helping give tours of the farm. Kids come for field trips and I get to guide them through all the fun fall activities. Then starting around Thanksgiving, the Christmas tree fun begins! It sounds so simple and fun and that is what I just adore about it. It is a great way for me to get out of the house and move towards re-incorporating "normal" things into my new life.
Alright so that's the job stuff. Now, let's see...Shane and I have had some busy weekends. Last weekend Shane traveled to Alexandria, LA to visit his old high school as well as some of his buddies. It was good for him to get away and remember his old stompin' ground. The weekend before that, I was in Colorado visiting my family. Shane stayed home with Kaitlyn and I was able to have a really nice time away for a few days. It has been good for both of us to have some time to ourselves to do some of the things we have not been able to do over the past few months. In the coming weekends we are looking forward to some family time and perhaps some Halloween activities!!!
Ok, I also wanted to share with you that we have started attending a grief group called Good Mourning. This program is provided through Arkansas Children's Hospital and is primarily for children who have experienced the death of a loved one. So Kaitlyn is going and hanging out with other kids her age and Shane and I meet with other parents/caregivers. For us, this is just another piece of healing. It is an opportunity for our whole family to discuss how Avery's life and death has affected us. I honestly don't really know what to expect from this group, but I am open. Perhaps that is the hardest part of grief...the willingness to accept the unknown. Grief is a mystery. That is really annoying for me but I'm pretty sure there is nothing I can do to change it.
So overall, I feel like we are doing pretty good. Right now, there are more good days than bad. That may change, but for now, I'll take it. So as always, thank you for your continued support. It means so much to me that you continue to care.
Carissa
9.29.2009
Lots to Update
Hello friends!
I realize that it has been awhile since I have had a chance to update all of you on the last week or so. I have had lots going on and I am hoping to tell you all about it in the next couple days. I was out of town for the last few days and I have tons to catch up on so I may not get a chance to post everything today, but I will get there...I promise!
I wanted to quickly take a moment to thank all of you who responded to my cries for help. As many of you know, I was having a particularly rough time last week. You all gave me everything that I needed in your comments and I am so grateful to have you. It is so hard to walk this road and it just so wonderful to have people to lean on. So, thank you so very much for your love and support.
Carissa
I realize that it has been awhile since I have had a chance to update all of you on the last week or so. I have had lots going on and I am hoping to tell you all about it in the next couple days. I was out of town for the last few days and I have tons to catch up on so I may not get a chance to post everything today, but I will get there...I promise!
I wanted to quickly take a moment to thank all of you who responded to my cries for help. As many of you know, I was having a particularly rough time last week. You all gave me everything that I needed in your comments and I am so grateful to have you. It is so hard to walk this road and it just so wonderful to have people to lean on. So, thank you so very much for your love and support.
Carissa
9.15.2009
Not My Best Day
I am in a pretty nasty mood this morning. Not really for any reason...just foul. I walked with Sadie hoping that would help clear things up...not so much. So, perhaps writing will help.
I guess more than anything, I am just frustrated. I feel stalled or plateaued or idle and I don't care for it. In my mind, I want to move forward but there is this little voice that says, "Ah ah ah, not quite ready yet". I don't even know what move forward means or looks like these days. I was talking to someone the other day and saying that although my healing is perhaps unapparent on a daily basis, if I stop and really think about it, there are snapshots of how I have coped over the last two months. The sadness is less often but more intense. I recover more quickly from my reflections of Avery, but am fearful of losing my memories of her. For me, one of the hardest parts of losing Avery is the unknown.
The other day I had my first twinge of excitement about the future. Although we are in a rough spot right now, there are some exciting things to come. New house, new job, future pregnancy. Needless to say, the enlightenment did not last long. It was strange to see that small light. I long to get there and spread my arms out wide and spin in circles. It's like being trapped in mud. You so desperately want to move and you try so hard to wiggle free, but after much effort, no luck. Perhaps you moved a little tiny bit or perhaps you sunk deeper. It is a place where mind, heart, and body cannot align...cannot perhaps even compliment each other. In fact, they are most likely pulling in opposite directions.
So today, I think I need to ask for help. This is not one of my strong suits, but believe me, I am working on it. So here it goes. Will you send me a comment of encouragement? Ok, I did it.
Many of you don't know me personally but my hope is that through this blog you feel like you do in some strange way. Many of you are walking personally with me through the grief and many are not. No matter, your words help.
Carissa
I guess more than anything, I am just frustrated. I feel stalled or plateaued or idle and I don't care for it. In my mind, I want to move forward but there is this little voice that says, "Ah ah ah, not quite ready yet". I don't even know what move forward means or looks like these days. I was talking to someone the other day and saying that although my healing is perhaps unapparent on a daily basis, if I stop and really think about it, there are snapshots of how I have coped over the last two months. The sadness is less often but more intense. I recover more quickly from my reflections of Avery, but am fearful of losing my memories of her. For me, one of the hardest parts of losing Avery is the unknown.
The other day I had my first twinge of excitement about the future. Although we are in a rough spot right now, there are some exciting things to come. New house, new job, future pregnancy. Needless to say, the enlightenment did not last long. It was strange to see that small light. I long to get there and spread my arms out wide and spin in circles. It's like being trapped in mud. You so desperately want to move and you try so hard to wiggle free, but after much effort, no luck. Perhaps you moved a little tiny bit or perhaps you sunk deeper. It is a place where mind, heart, and body cannot align...cannot perhaps even compliment each other. In fact, they are most likely pulling in opposite directions.
So today, I think I need to ask for help. This is not one of my strong suits, but believe me, I am working on it. So here it goes. Will you send me a comment of encouragement? Ok, I did it.
Many of you don't know me personally but my hope is that through this blog you feel like you do in some strange way. Many of you are walking personally with me through the grief and many are not. No matter, your words help.
Carissa
9.09.2009
Happy Birthday To Kaitlyn!
Today we celebrate the birth of Kaitlyn McAlister Keirsey!! She turns six today and I have to say she is quite proud of her many years. She woke up this morning and miraculously had a loose tooth. I tried so hard to wiggle it, but to me, nothing was wiggling. She insisted that it was loose so I said, "ok babe, whatever you say". I pick my arguments carefully these days.
Last weekend we were up in Fayetteville to have Kaitlyn's party. She was able to see pretty much all her friends, and she had a fabulous time. It was important to me to make this a special time for her. Not in an indulgent way, but in a way that would remind her about what an important part she plays in our family. She has had a hard couple months and for the most part, she has done really well. Although I don't necessarily hide my emotions from her, I do try to limit my crying and carrying on when we are together.
There is a hint of sadness today. While I love to sit and reminisce about the morning that Kaitlyn arrived, it is hard to do so without thoughts of Avery's birth creeping in. Obviously, the memories of Kaitlyn's birth are joyous and exciting. I have not gotten to that place when I think about the day Ave was born. It is very discouraging to think about my child's birth and not feel happy. Those should be the happiest moments in life. Right now, the memories of Avery's birth are of raw fear and deep uncertainty. I don't know if that will ever change...
Shane and I were talking the other night about songs. We both love music, but Shane especially has a connection to lyrics. He was thinking about songs that remind him of me or Kaitlyn. He says he thinks of me when he hears "She's Everything" by Brad Paisley and he thinks of Kaitlyn when he hears "Sweet Zoe Jane" by Staind. The song that makes me think of Shane is "Only You Can Love Me This Way" by Keith Urban. During the time that Avery was sick, music was a big part of how we were able to relate to our pain. We have all these songs that take us back to the different stages of Ave's life. Most of them elicit tears and a longing for things to have been different. We were talking about how we want to go back to the days where songs brought happiness and freedom rather than emptiness.
So here we are...attempting to make this a special day for our oldest daughter...but somehow I don't feel 100% committed to it all. It will be a fun day of celebration but there will be a portion of me that is distracted. That's the ugly truth.
I love Kaitlyn will all my heart. She brightens our lives with tremendous energy and a tender heart. What sweet peace we have in enjoying the daily adventures of parenting her!
Carissa
Last weekend we were up in Fayetteville to have Kaitlyn's party. She was able to see pretty much all her friends, and she had a fabulous time. It was important to me to make this a special time for her. Not in an indulgent way, but in a way that would remind her about what an important part she plays in our family. She has had a hard couple months and for the most part, she has done really well. Although I don't necessarily hide my emotions from her, I do try to limit my crying and carrying on when we are together.
There is a hint of sadness today. While I love to sit and reminisce about the morning that Kaitlyn arrived, it is hard to do so without thoughts of Avery's birth creeping in. Obviously, the memories of Kaitlyn's birth are joyous and exciting. I have not gotten to that place when I think about the day Ave was born. It is very discouraging to think about my child's birth and not feel happy. Those should be the happiest moments in life. Right now, the memories of Avery's birth are of raw fear and deep uncertainty. I don't know if that will ever change...
Shane and I were talking the other night about songs. We both love music, but Shane especially has a connection to lyrics. He was thinking about songs that remind him of me or Kaitlyn. He says he thinks of me when he hears "She's Everything" by Brad Paisley and he thinks of Kaitlyn when he hears "Sweet Zoe Jane" by Staind. The song that makes me think of Shane is "Only You Can Love Me This Way" by Keith Urban. During the time that Avery was sick, music was a big part of how we were able to relate to our pain. We have all these songs that take us back to the different stages of Ave's life. Most of them elicit tears and a longing for things to have been different. We were talking about how we want to go back to the days where songs brought happiness and freedom rather than emptiness.
So here we are...attempting to make this a special day for our oldest daughter...but somehow I don't feel 100% committed to it all. It will be a fun day of celebration but there will be a portion of me that is distracted. That's the ugly truth.
I love Kaitlyn will all my heart. She brightens our lives with tremendous energy and a tender heart. What sweet peace we have in enjoying the daily adventures of parenting her!
Carissa
9.02.2009
Photos Of Ave...Some of These Are Rough
I have been wanting to post some photos of Avery during her last hours with us, but I have not had access to them because they are on our laptop. Many of these photos were taken by an absolutely gifted photographer named Jill Meyer. She volunteers her time to take photos for families who are losing a baby. Her nonprofit is called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. At this moment, the website has escaped me but you can google her info if you want. Her worked truly blessed us during our time to say goodbye to Avery. She captured moments that are so precious to both Shane and me. I am forever grateful for her gift.
As many of you remember, Avery's last couple of weeks were pretty rough. She had a lot of swelling and she really did not look like the baby we knew in the early weeks. No matter her appearance, she is ours and we love her forever. In these photos you will see our family smiling over Avery. In that moment, we were so happy to be holding her and spending real time together as a family. It may be odd for some to see us with smiles during times of such strife, but it was joyous in its own way. I hope you are able to look at these photos and remember how Avery touched YOU personally.
Love, Carissa
9.01.2009
Oh How The Days Go By
I really can't begin to write anything about myself until I mention the most recent sweet babies who have lost their battle with CDH...Baby Jackson and Baby Ireland. Please keep their families in your thoughts and prayers as they begin to pick up the pieces.
I was catching up on Facebook this morning and I ran across a post written by an old friend. His son struggles with a medical condition and they have just recently found out that their options are far from optimal. He wrote, " This fallen world has no friends, but that’s where we find GOD. That’s where grace comes alive and hope resides." That is a tough thing to swallow. I have never been one to get too philosophical about why our lives are the way they are. We each have a story, hurts, pain, questions, joys, and struggles. They all differ, but they make us who we are. I challenge myself to find the grace and the hope during my times of monumental pain.
So, a had some crappy days last week. I knew it was coming. That's one of the hard parts of grief...it's sneaky and unpredictable. I often wonder, "When is my bad day coming? I haven't had one in awhile. I know it's coming and what will it bring?" Unfortunately, my bad day arrived on my wedding anniversary. That sucks. It was last Wednesday, August 26th. Six years of marriage and all I had to offer was a backwards attitude. Poor Shane. He walked in the door at 3:30 to me slamming things around. I'm pretty sure that was not what he was expecting. I managed to work through my temper tantrum and we made it out the door for dinner. It ended up being a good night. Over the next few days I was able to reflect on lots of things...and cry...and miss Avery. I am learning to be flexible in the emotional sense. It is not easy for me. Shane has helped me with this throughout our marriage. He is much more free spirited than I am. He models for me the art of flexibility and I love him for that. I think that it is an integral part of marriage...flexibility and compromise. For us, a constant work in progress.
Anyways, we had a good weekend. We put up a tree swing for Kaitlyn and enjoyed some lovely outside time. The weather has been really nice the past few days. Lately, I have had some times where I have thought of Ave and had more peace. Trust me, most of the time my thoughts of her are followed by fountains of tears. I went the cemetery yesterday and just sat with her. I cried a little but mostly is was just comforting to be there with her. We shared time and that's all I really want...time.
This weekend we head up to Fayetteville to celebrate Kaitlyn's sixth birthday! She is super excited to see her friends! I look forward to seeing my friends and hopefully having some time to relax. There may be a little painting to be done at the house, perhaps a cocktail to be had, and possibly some cake eating...I anticipate we will have a good time!
I am reminded every day that life goes on...with or without me. Some days I let it go on without me but today I choose to go on with it. Love to all of you...thanks for partnering with me as I walk this new path.
Carissa
P.S. It is my intention to begin tackling the countless thank you notes I have to write. I want to make special reference to all of you who donated to the Avery Mae Fund. We have been able to do some magnificent things with the money you all so generously donated! Please know that we are so thankful for your generosity! I have not forgotten...I am just simply behind.
I was catching up on Facebook this morning and I ran across a post written by an old friend. His son struggles with a medical condition and they have just recently found out that their options are far from optimal. He wrote, " This fallen world has no friends, but that’s where we find GOD. That’s where grace comes alive and hope resides." That is a tough thing to swallow. I have never been one to get too philosophical about why our lives are the way they are. We each have a story, hurts, pain, questions, joys, and struggles. They all differ, but they make us who we are. I challenge myself to find the grace and the hope during my times of monumental pain.
So, a had some crappy days last week. I knew it was coming. That's one of the hard parts of grief...it's sneaky and unpredictable. I often wonder, "When is my bad day coming? I haven't had one in awhile. I know it's coming and what will it bring?" Unfortunately, my bad day arrived on my wedding anniversary. That sucks. It was last Wednesday, August 26th. Six years of marriage and all I had to offer was a backwards attitude. Poor Shane. He walked in the door at 3:30 to me slamming things around. I'm pretty sure that was not what he was expecting. I managed to work through my temper tantrum and we made it out the door for dinner. It ended up being a good night. Over the next few days I was able to reflect on lots of things...and cry...and miss Avery. I am learning to be flexible in the emotional sense. It is not easy for me. Shane has helped me with this throughout our marriage. He is much more free spirited than I am. He models for me the art of flexibility and I love him for that. I think that it is an integral part of marriage...flexibility and compromise. For us, a constant work in progress.
Anyways, we had a good weekend. We put up a tree swing for Kaitlyn and enjoyed some lovely outside time. The weather has been really nice the past few days. Lately, I have had some times where I have thought of Ave and had more peace. Trust me, most of the time my thoughts of her are followed by fountains of tears. I went the cemetery yesterday and just sat with her. I cried a little but mostly is was just comforting to be there with her. We shared time and that's all I really want...time.
This weekend we head up to Fayetteville to celebrate Kaitlyn's sixth birthday! She is super excited to see her friends! I look forward to seeing my friends and hopefully having some time to relax. There may be a little painting to be done at the house, perhaps a cocktail to be had, and possibly some cake eating...I anticipate we will have a good time!
I am reminded every day that life goes on...with or without me. Some days I let it go on without me but today I choose to go on with it. Love to all of you...thanks for partnering with me as I walk this new path.
Carissa
P.S. It is my intention to begin tackling the countless thank you notes I have to write. I want to make special reference to all of you who donated to the Avery Mae Fund. We have been able to do some magnificent things with the money you all so generously donated! Please know that we are so thankful for your generosity! I have not forgotten...I am just simply behind.
8.24.2009
Not A Bad Week
It's weird to to go from posting practically every minute to just a couple times a week. I look on the blog sometimes and I am amazed that it has been so long between posts.
Overall, I would say that the past few days have been pretty good. Last week was pretty busy as I hustled to get Kaitlyn ready for Kindergarten. She started on Wednesday and she did such a great job. I am so proud of her. Shane and I walked her in on the first day and from then on, she was on her own. I drop her off in the morning and pick her up in the afternoon and it is such a pleasure to see her smiling face run to the car. What a lovely way to start my days and enter my evenings!
So here I am on Monday morning...not sure what to do. I was at this place not too long ago. I finished my masters in December 2008...we had just found Ave was going to be sick, and I was not sure how to spend the coming months. During January and February, I just took it easy. I had been in school for three years, so I had a lot to catch up on. It was nice to have play dates and eat lunch with friends. So now, I am back at this place of not having much to do. So I am debating about whether or not it is time to start seriously looking for some kind of part-time work. I think it would be good for me to have some consistency to my schedule. We'll see how things go.
As I said before, the past week was pretty good. There were a couple tough moments. I find that I miss Ave the most when we are together as a family. It just feels like something is missing. We were sitting together eating spaghetti (Kaitlyn's favorite) and we were getting ready to have dessert. Shane had bought KK this ice cream cone thing that looked like a clown and we just looked at each other and thought, Ave should be here...she should be eating ice cream and laughing. In many ways, it was a beautiful and happy moment, but then again it was subtly laced with sadness and disappointment.
We watched Hannah Montana The Movie on Saturday night as a family. It is a really cute movie and such sweet peace to hang out together on the couch. Prior to Avery's arrival, we did not get a chance to do as many family activities. Shane's job required him to work a lot of nights and it was not common for us to spend as much time together. In fact, since May, we have spent more time together than we have in years...and I love that. So really, it is because of Avery that we are able to bond as a family. The ironic part of all of that is that she is not here to be a part of it. That truly is one of the most painful parts of losing her.
So, we miss her often and think of her regularly. We move through each day with caution and perhaps some hesitation, but we move. I will continue to learn how to live each day without Avery and I will cling tightly to the comfort of my friends and family. I love you all so dearly and am so grateful for you precious people!!!
Carissa
Overall, I would say that the past few days have been pretty good. Last week was pretty busy as I hustled to get Kaitlyn ready for Kindergarten. She started on Wednesday and she did such a great job. I am so proud of her. Shane and I walked her in on the first day and from then on, she was on her own. I drop her off in the morning and pick her up in the afternoon and it is such a pleasure to see her smiling face run to the car. What a lovely way to start my days and enter my evenings!
So here I am on Monday morning...not sure what to do. I was at this place not too long ago. I finished my masters in December 2008...we had just found Ave was going to be sick, and I was not sure how to spend the coming months. During January and February, I just took it easy. I had been in school for three years, so I had a lot to catch up on. It was nice to have play dates and eat lunch with friends. So now, I am back at this place of not having much to do. So I am debating about whether or not it is time to start seriously looking for some kind of part-time work. I think it would be good for me to have some consistency to my schedule. We'll see how things go.
As I said before, the past week was pretty good. There were a couple tough moments. I find that I miss Ave the most when we are together as a family. It just feels like something is missing. We were sitting together eating spaghetti (Kaitlyn's favorite) and we were getting ready to have dessert. Shane had bought KK this ice cream cone thing that looked like a clown and we just looked at each other and thought, Ave should be here...she should be eating ice cream and laughing. In many ways, it was a beautiful and happy moment, but then again it was subtly laced with sadness and disappointment.
We watched Hannah Montana The Movie on Saturday night as a family. It is a really cute movie and such sweet peace to hang out together on the couch. Prior to Avery's arrival, we did not get a chance to do as many family activities. Shane's job required him to work a lot of nights and it was not common for us to spend as much time together. In fact, since May, we have spent more time together than we have in years...and I love that. So really, it is because of Avery that we are able to bond as a family. The ironic part of all of that is that she is not here to be a part of it. That truly is one of the most painful parts of losing her.
So, we miss her often and think of her regularly. We move through each day with caution and perhaps some hesitation, but we move. I will continue to learn how to live each day without Avery and I will cling tightly to the comfort of my friends and family. I love you all so dearly and am so grateful for you precious people!!!
Carissa
8.16.2009
Rough Day
I'm having a kinda rough day today. There really is nothing in particular that has happened, I'm just down. Shane, Kaitlyn, and I had a good family morning and then worked in the yard, but I am just not feeling very happy. I guess this is to be expected. I just really don't like feeling like this.
I do have to tell you though, that Shane is the best daddy ever. He brought home this HUGE box for Kaitlyn to play with. He spent the morning making it into a house. This included cutting out windows and a door. They were so sweet together. Watching them color and decorate it together was priceless...Kaitlyn loves that man so much. It was so cute. What simple pleasures.
By the way, we are almost officially out of the church house. I still have a few things to get out and I need to clean, but we are pretty much moved. Maybe that has something to do with my mood. Moving is tough, and although I knew we could not stay at the church house forever, it is still really hard to leave. I think that Shane feels differently. For him, it is a lot of painful reminders. For me, it is a connection to Avery. It is the house that I spent all my time in while she was alive. I'm crying as I write this. It is the last thing for me to let go of that has to do with her. My body is all back to normal, we don't really go to the hospital anymore, the house where I was pregnant with her is empty, and now the house is gone. It's like I have now cemented moving on. The emotions are still going crazy, but the physical connections to her are starting to fade. Oh so hard.
This is all part of the process and moving on is important, but it's really hard. Please keep us all in your prayers.
Carissa
I do have to tell you though, that Shane is the best daddy ever. He brought home this HUGE box for Kaitlyn to play with. He spent the morning making it into a house. This included cutting out windows and a door. They were so sweet together. Watching them color and decorate it together was priceless...Kaitlyn loves that man so much. It was so cute. What simple pleasures.
By the way, we are almost officially out of the church house. I still have a few things to get out and I need to clean, but we are pretty much moved. Maybe that has something to do with my mood. Moving is tough, and although I knew we could not stay at the church house forever, it is still really hard to leave. I think that Shane feels differently. For him, it is a lot of painful reminders. For me, it is a connection to Avery. It is the house that I spent all my time in while she was alive. I'm crying as I write this. It is the last thing for me to let go of that has to do with her. My body is all back to normal, we don't really go to the hospital anymore, the house where I was pregnant with her is empty, and now the house is gone. It's like I have now cemented moving on. The emotions are still going crazy, but the physical connections to her are starting to fade. Oh so hard.
This is all part of the process and moving on is important, but it's really hard. Please keep us all in your prayers.
Carissa
8.13.2009
Too Much For One Post
Over the past week, I have tried to get on here and post some of the many thoughts running around in my head. For whatever reason, I could not find time to just sit. I find that over the past few months it is good for me to sometimes just sit. So here I sit not knowing how to organize all the things I want to say. So, I'll just let them flood out...I guess I'll give some props to Freud and we'll call it free association...
I guess the first thing that comes to mind is that Avery has been gone for about a month. She has been gone about half the time that she was here...that is crazy! Do I miss her? Yes, of course. Regrets? No. Am I learning how to live without her? SLOWLY, but yes. Will I ever forget all of this? No. Will I move on? Yes, in a new sort of way. I was thinking in the car the other day about how to explain what I am going through right now and this came to mind. It is like your windshield being hit in the center with a HUGE rock...and then, from that initial break there comes numerous cracks. So, Avery's death is my initial break and well, there is a long list of cracks...being without a place to call home, out of routine, no job, crazy emotions, missing Kaitlyn, missing my friends and family, moving from Fayetteville, paperwork, bills, and so on...it could go on but I'll spare you :) So I am wondering if I have even been able to deal with Avery's death yet? It feels like I am just dealing with all the cracks and slowly moving my way towards the break. I wonder what is going to happen when I reach the break? I am reading this and it sounds a little cheesy...sorry.
So both Shane and I are moving through each day with hesitation at times, but with strength. I have to say that many mornings I wake up and say to myself, "How am I going to make it through the day?" Obviously, I always make it through the day in a literal sense, but on a deeper level, it is a challenge to be emotionally available for the things that need to be accomplished. Whether it's Kaitlyn's needs or phone calls, there is the underlying feeling of absolute defeat. Some days I have to push myself to enjoy the day whereas prior to Avery's diagnosis, I would wake up most days refreshed and ready to rock. So this is where the counselor in me starts to have a therapy session with myself. This is what I would say to clients so this is what I say to myself...What would happen if I stopped pushing to enjoy the day? What would it be like to just feel sad, defeated, unproductive? What am I afraid of? What's the worst that could happen? So some days, I think about this stuff and I realize that it is ok to be sad and cry. It is ok to feel powerless. It is ok to not be the strong woman. Most likely, the worst that can happen is that my list of crap to do waits until the next day, and that's ok. So I am working on being sad when I need too.
That was deep. So back to the surface...this past weekend we enjoyed absolutely fabulous time with some of my family in Tulsa, OK. It was just what we needed...pool, grilling, and sitting (and napping). I feel refreshed. Over the past few days I have noticed that I have thought about Avery less...not zero, but less. I have been doing some of the things that I enjoy and I have truthfully enjoyed them. I will continue to work through the "cracks" and "the break" and will continue to share my process with you. I can't really explain why I do this, but I guess it is my hope that someone else can benefit in some way from my experience.
Ok, so I am leaving myself a reminder that I want to tell you about our recent trip to ACH and the heart unit. I find that if I don't write things down, I forget...just ask Shane...it's driving him nuts.
Carissa
I guess the first thing that comes to mind is that Avery has been gone for about a month. She has been gone about half the time that she was here...that is crazy! Do I miss her? Yes, of course. Regrets? No. Am I learning how to live without her? SLOWLY, but yes. Will I ever forget all of this? No. Will I move on? Yes, in a new sort of way. I was thinking in the car the other day about how to explain what I am going through right now and this came to mind. It is like your windshield being hit in the center with a HUGE rock...and then, from that initial break there comes numerous cracks. So, Avery's death is my initial break and well, there is a long list of cracks...being without a place to call home, out of routine, no job, crazy emotions, missing Kaitlyn, missing my friends and family, moving from Fayetteville, paperwork, bills, and so on...it could go on but I'll spare you :) So I am wondering if I have even been able to deal with Avery's death yet? It feels like I am just dealing with all the cracks and slowly moving my way towards the break. I wonder what is going to happen when I reach the break? I am reading this and it sounds a little cheesy...sorry.
So both Shane and I are moving through each day with hesitation at times, but with strength. I have to say that many mornings I wake up and say to myself, "How am I going to make it through the day?" Obviously, I always make it through the day in a literal sense, but on a deeper level, it is a challenge to be emotionally available for the things that need to be accomplished. Whether it's Kaitlyn's needs or phone calls, there is the underlying feeling of absolute defeat. Some days I have to push myself to enjoy the day whereas prior to Avery's diagnosis, I would wake up most days refreshed and ready to rock. So this is where the counselor in me starts to have a therapy session with myself. This is what I would say to clients so this is what I say to myself...What would happen if I stopped pushing to enjoy the day? What would it be like to just feel sad, defeated, unproductive? What am I afraid of? What's the worst that could happen? So some days, I think about this stuff and I realize that it is ok to be sad and cry. It is ok to feel powerless. It is ok to not be the strong woman. Most likely, the worst that can happen is that my list of crap to do waits until the next day, and that's ok. So I am working on being sad when I need too.
That was deep. So back to the surface...this past weekend we enjoyed absolutely fabulous time with some of my family in Tulsa, OK. It was just what we needed...pool, grilling, and sitting (and napping). I feel refreshed. Over the past few days I have noticed that I have thought about Avery less...not zero, but less. I have been doing some of the things that I enjoy and I have truthfully enjoyed them. I will continue to work through the "cracks" and "the break" and will continue to share my process with you. I can't really explain why I do this, but I guess it is my hope that someone else can benefit in some way from my experience.
Ok, so I am leaving myself a reminder that I want to tell you about our recent trip to ACH and the heart unit. I find that if I don't write things down, I forget...just ask Shane...it's driving him nuts.
Carissa
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