Can You Ever Really Plan Anything?

So the last week has been pretty good. There were a few days last week that were pretty rough...mostly just because I was bored. There has been a lot of rain around here lately and I did not work a whole lot last week. Shane was sick and in bed for quite a few days. Good news is he is feeling way better and we all had a good weekend.

So mostly, I am just really struggling with how much our lives have changed since all of this stuff happened with Avery. I just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, but jeez it's just so hard to believe sometimes. Shane and I have had many conversations about everything that happened and over and over we agree, no regrets. It's just that when all the parts of your life are suddenly stripped, all you can think about is how quickly you can put them back into place. Honestly, I just can't put all the pieces back into place. I want to so badly, but it's just not possible. It makes me so very frustrated. We are recovering from not only the loss of Ave, but also massive changes. I just keep telling myself that I have to trust mother time. I don't like her so much right now. I have to tell myself, "Wait, just slow down. It is ok if all of this does not get fixed tomorrow."

So since I can't fix everything tomorrow, I am going to take one thing at a time. So next on the agenda, finding a job. Hopefully I can find something in the counseling field. The goal is to start in January. We shall see. I guess just keep praying for us. Help us keep the faith.



Moving Forward

Well, it has been awhile since I have had time to sit and organize my thoughts. So I sit here contemplating...thinking...organizing...trying to put into words all that has happened. Over the past few weeks, we have been rather busy. I think this is a good thing. A couple of weeks ago, I was at a nasty low point. It was not pretty, but I reached out to all of you, and with Shane's help was able to stumble out with renewed hope. So here we are...still stumbling a bit, but hey, whatever gets you from point A to point B!?!?

So I would say that the most exciting part of the past few weeks is that I GOT A PART-TIME JOB!!! Woooo Hoooo!! I have this lovely friend and her family owns a Christmas Tree Farm here in Little Rock. Well turns out they need some extra help during the holiday season and so, you guessed it, I am part of the extra help! They have recently added a pumpkin patch and some other fun fall activities so it was a perfect opportunity for me. Basically during the week I will be helping give tours of the farm. Kids come for field trips and I get to guide them through all the fun fall activities. Then starting around Thanksgiving, the Christmas tree fun begins! It sounds so simple and fun and that is what I just adore about it. It is a great way for me to get out of the house and move towards re-incorporating "normal" things into my new life.

Alright so that's the job stuff. Now, let's see...Shane and I have had some busy weekends. Last weekend Shane traveled to Alexandria, LA to visit his old high school as well as some of his buddies. It was good for him to get away and remember his old stompin' ground. The weekend before that, I was in Colorado visiting my family. Shane stayed home with Kaitlyn and I was able to have a really nice time away for a few days. It has been good for both of us to have some time to ourselves to do some of the things we have not been able to do over the past few months. In the coming weekends we are looking forward to some family time and perhaps some Halloween activities!!!

Ok, I also wanted to share with you that we have started attending a grief group called Good Mourning. This program is provided through Arkansas Children's Hospital and is primarily for children who have experienced the death of a loved one. So Kaitlyn is going and hanging out with other kids her age and Shane and I meet with other parents/caregivers. For us, this is just another piece of healing. It is an opportunity for our whole family to discuss how Avery's life and death has affected us. I honestly don't really know what to expect from this group, but I am open. Perhaps that is the hardest part of grief...the willingness to accept the unknown. Grief is a mystery. That is really annoying for me but I'm pretty sure there is nothing I can do to change it.

So overall, I feel like we are doing pretty good. Right now, there are more good days than bad. That may change, but for now, I'll take it. So as always, thank you for your continued support. It means so much to me that you continue to care.